Well it might not be Christmas but to paraphrase Mr Lennon
'...what have you done ?: another year over, and a new one just begun...'
and in a sense it is another year over because I just had another birthday (don't ask which one...let's just say that the candles on the cake set off the smoke alarms !)
I was wondering why it is that I dislike birthdays so much. Every year they roll around and every year as the big day approaches I get more and more gloomy and grumpy and just want to hide so I can re-emerge when it's all over.
Don't get me wrong: I really appreciate the warm wishes etc and the trouble people go to. My birthday was celebrated on Sunday and we had a lovely day by the sea with a splendid picnic and beautiful weather and there was an air show/display ...all my favourite things....but it took so much emotional effort to get myself there and get into it because I woke up with that terrible dragging feeling of not wanting to get out of bed at all or face presents or cards or peoples' smiles. What a misery I am !
I think it's because I can't really see what there is to celebrate. I just feel like I've survived another year. It isn't all to do with being unwell either. I was like this before I got really unwell. I've got more and more like it since I turned 40 and that was a good while ago.
Some of it is midlife stuff: the dreams, expectations, hopes, expectations from youth unfulfilled.
Some of it is about being unwell: am I any better ? what have I achieved ? what can I plan for the future ?
Doesn't feel like I can reply with anything positive to any of those questions.
And some of it is to do with hating to be the centre of attention, being the focus. I'd much rather work behind the scenes, much rather buy other people presents, arrange other peoples' parties etc.
One of the difficulties of having a chronic condition which keeps you away from normal life so much is that you get 'out of the loop', disconnected and days can just drift away. One of the hardest things for me is to try and manage the balance between the things I have to do and the things I want to do. Having children means there are always a whole load of things I have to do: cleaning, washing and ironing clothes, arranging appointments, tidying up, cooking, birthdays, help with homework --- all the usual stuff that parents have to do . I'm happy to do them but it takes time and effort and by the time all that is done there's little time for me and not much energy left. (That's why this blog is important because its for nobody else).
Recently, as I said in my last post, I have been branching out more on the internet and 'meeting' new people...people with M.E. It has interested me that for many of them their difficulties in trying to have some sort of life are quite different to mine. Many are really quite isolated and have no real family, let alone children. It seems that they almost envy me. I can see why...in their heads they see the company and the relationships between us. Of course that is something I value greatly....I love my children with all my heart and longed to have them but in many ways it makes management of my condition much, much harder and there is terrible pressure to try and keep up with all they need and want to do.
So another year over and what have I done? What will I do?
Well, I shall try to maintain some sort of creative practice because the Creative for a Second project really showed me how important that aspect of my life is to me. I shall try to encourage more independence in my children because that's where they need to head and that helps me too and I shall try to maintain a positive outlook and explore more about the HSP side of me and some of the reasons why some emotions drain me more than others.
'...what have you done ?: another year over, and a new one just begun...'
and in a sense it is another year over because I just had another birthday (don't ask which one...let's just say that the candles on the cake set off the smoke alarms !)
I was wondering why it is that I dislike birthdays so much. Every year they roll around and every year as the big day approaches I get more and more gloomy and grumpy and just want to hide so I can re-emerge when it's all over.
Don't get me wrong: I really appreciate the warm wishes etc and the trouble people go to. My birthday was celebrated on Sunday and we had a lovely day by the sea with a splendid picnic and beautiful weather and there was an air show/display ...all my favourite things....but it took so much emotional effort to get myself there and get into it because I woke up with that terrible dragging feeling of not wanting to get out of bed at all or face presents or cards or peoples' smiles. What a misery I am !
I think it's because I can't really see what there is to celebrate. I just feel like I've survived another year. It isn't all to do with being unwell either. I was like this before I got really unwell. I've got more and more like it since I turned 40 and that was a good while ago.
Some of it is midlife stuff: the dreams, expectations, hopes, expectations from youth unfulfilled.
Some of it is about being unwell: am I any better ? what have I achieved ? what can I plan for the future ?
Doesn't feel like I can reply with anything positive to any of those questions.
And some of it is to do with hating to be the centre of attention, being the focus. I'd much rather work behind the scenes, much rather buy other people presents, arrange other peoples' parties etc.
One of the difficulties of having a chronic condition which keeps you away from normal life so much is that you get 'out of the loop', disconnected and days can just drift away. One of the hardest things for me is to try and manage the balance between the things I have to do and the things I want to do. Having children means there are always a whole load of things I have to do: cleaning, washing and ironing clothes, arranging appointments, tidying up, cooking, birthdays, help with homework --- all the usual stuff that parents have to do . I'm happy to do them but it takes time and effort and by the time all that is done there's little time for me and not much energy left. (That's why this blog is important because its for nobody else).
Recently, as I said in my last post, I have been branching out more on the internet and 'meeting' new people...people with M.E. It has interested me that for many of them their difficulties in trying to have some sort of life are quite different to mine. Many are really quite isolated and have no real family, let alone children. It seems that they almost envy me. I can see why...in their heads they see the company and the relationships between us. Of course that is something I value greatly....I love my children with all my heart and longed to have them but in many ways it makes management of my condition much, much harder and there is terrible pressure to try and keep up with all they need and want to do.
So another year over and what have I done? What will I do?
Well, I shall try to maintain some sort of creative practice because the Creative for a Second project really showed me how important that aspect of my life is to me. I shall try to encourage more independence in my children because that's where they need to head and that helps me too and I shall try to maintain a positive outlook and explore more about the HSP side of me and some of the reasons why some emotions drain me more than others.
9 comments:
It seems like everything in life is a double edged sword. I can honestly say that I do envy you. You have your kids with you and that love alone must give you a reason to go on. But ... on the other hand I know that there is no way I could handle having someone live with me .... how on earth do you manage to get through a day? I look at my Mum and Dad and I feel so sad because they have devoted their whole adult lives to their children. Their own hopes and dreams never had a chnace because the kids come first, and even now they are in their 70's they are still looking after me! It's dreadful. If that is how life is for 'normal' and 'well' parents then how does someone with a chronic illness ever have time and energy for their own dreams? Obviously a huge part of life is about caring for and loving others but it also has to be about fulfilling your own potential. I do hope you manage to persue your art projects, you have such a delightful brain and you really should be creating!!!! xx
Thank you Lee Lee. You have a delightful brain too :O)
You're right about children. They are so very precious to me but being unwell does make evreything harder and there have been days when I've been so poorly I've wished that there were still convalescent homes where the likes of us could go and escape the busy-ness of everyday life and give ourselves and our loved ones a break from the monotony of symptoms and a break from all the things that those symptoms curtail.
I think as a parent it is all too easy, when you love your children so much, to let your own dreams go by and focus on the children ( I wrote about this a few posts ago) but it is essential to try and maintian some sort of autonomy and creative practice. That's what I shall try to do in the coming year.
Even though you feel sad about your Mum & Dad, I bet that they are not sad about their effort...just concerned and sad about you being so poorly. They have devoted their lives to you and your siblings because they love you so much and even in caring for you now it's because they love and care about you and want to support you. Their love for you is a reflection of your obviosu love and resepct for them. It's a circle. It's what parents do. You're poorly, our son's disabled but we put in the 'extra' because of love and in the end, what else is there ? :O)
Cusp-
I am so grateful on a daily basis that my children were young adults before I was struck with this. I can't imagine how I would have survived if they were young, and I my hat goes off to anyone who can manage it. I know we do what we have to do and as parents that job ALWAYS comes first.
Even though, my children are young adults now - they still require my energy and the last thing I want to do is tell them I can't do something with them, or go somewhere etc. - but sometimes I have no choice and can often make it up with a promise of watching a movie together later.
It is a double edge sword as Lee Lee mentioned. I couldn't imagine not having my children in my life, but sometimes I would like to come home and just have peace and quiet, no discussions, no overhearing other people talking, just total silence. Sometimes, I think if it was just me - I would have already left work - because it would be much easier to be flexible regarding my living situation etc. if it were only me. Yep - double edge sword.
I think that you are amazing. Not only for coping with what you have to health wise but for being such a wonderful Mum to your children and such a kind caring person who always thinks of everyone else.
Even though your weren't really feeling like celebrating, I'd still like to wish you a Happy belated birthday.
Hi Cusp, Thank you for sharing your birthday/family thoughts with us. I know (from communications with your daughter) that you are very much loved! You have a great heart.
However I can very much see your difficulty in 'doing it all' .
I always wanted to become a mum, but when I was so ill that I needed pretty much full time care, I felt blessed not having a child/children as I would not have been able to care for them. (At the time the illness struck I was separated.)
I do wish for you that you will continue to find time for your creativity. And for yourself!
Yes Birthdays are hard, and bring things into focus. I do struggle with them, but mostly due to illness, i was ok with the attention before that ;)
The thought of someone shouting "mum, where's my..." sends shivers down my spine with this illness, where peace and quiet are so vital. I have said before and i will say again, hat's off to you my dear!
Well done for recognising the need to do things more for yourself, and good luck on your creative journey this year. I have found that even when i am unable to DO anything, just having something to plan, think about and focus on helps to takes my mind off the now and gives me a sense of being alive and identity. Whatever you manage to do/produce this year, however small will be so valuable to your Self. Go for it!
Belated Happy Birthday, Cusp x
Happy Birthday, Cusp.
I feel that you deserve a celebration and you are entitled to every smile, every laugh, every flower petal and all the sunshine that enters your day.
I'll be around …
"Another year over"…
I watched one of the Classic Albums programmes on John Lennon's first album and found the songs to be very powerful indeed. Not just lyrically but also the way he expressed himself through his voice. Very raw emotion.
So many parallels with my own 'journey', particularly the rage and aggression that are the very core of my being (and which I accept as very much part of me and which I do not deem as 'negative" or want to rid myself of as that would be just anaesthetising my very soul).
I also have that feeling of my life's work just hasn't happened, the books I didn't read, the places I never went to. I feel grateful for what I can do but really, what I can achieve in a week is what someone might do in their lunch hour!
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