Many random thoughts rattling through my head so this will be a stream, (more like a trickle) of consciousness: you have been warned.
Thinking about how people deal with their dilemmas, BIG life events and tragedies.
Recently I've been brought up close to how the rug can just be pulled from under you. I had my wisdom teeth extracted and, as anyone who has followed this blog, that was a HUGE deal for me: the build up was two years with no end of negotiations and 'wriggling' on my part and finally I managed to psyche myself up to going and getting the job done. There is no way to communicate how pleased I was to have it over with or how proud I was of myself for having done it. I was literally ...LITERALLY...jumping for joy.
The pay off is that the anaesthetic and antibiotics that I had afterwards have not suited me at all. I can feel deep slippage in the progress department and it feels mighty scary...especially three weeks (or less) before Xmas and the son's 16th birthday. Just when I need to feel some sense of stability and safety in my energy envelope I feel anything but and I'm treading on thin ice. I know I've been here before and I know I have managed to pull out of it with careful management and pacing but, still, it scares me because before that tooth extraction I was feeling fairly chipper and, at times, ...whisper it....almost normal..or normal for me and the relapse of last year stills haunts me.
Christmas for me is a double-edged sword. On the one hand I love buying and making presents for other people and my loved ones. On the other hand there have been many Christmases which hold horrible memories that I don't want to revisit and yet I feel forced to do so because its Christmas and the sounds, smells and 'jolly festivities' are everywhere now...or if you shop at the Co-Op they've been everywhere since the end of August !
I wish I could be more open, more honest, more forthright in this blog. I so admire other people who blog who have the ability to share so much but, in all honesty, I can't. It's just not in me to be too open about myself and that because of the past. Even writing that is scary to me ...........Its just that if things were going to go wrong they seem to have done so at or very near Christmas so that, as for many people, the older I get, the more ghosts and bad memories fill the Christmas space.
Yesterday I was in town and turned round to see an old work colleague standing just near me. We haven't seen each other for about 7 years. She is a truly amazing person. She has overcome no end of adversity, runs a small charity, has brought up three children of her own, 4 foster children and adopted two and as long as I've known her (about 20 years) she has always had a smile on her face: everything is seen as an opportunity, as a possibility for something new and something good...even when a situation facing her or someone she knows looks so grim.
When our son was born and it turned out that he had all sorts of difficulties ( there had been no warning...it was a perfectly normal pregnancy) she was one of the first people to phone. She was so positive, so 'up', so full of hope and even though I knew she meant well I was furious with her. I couldn't see how she could be like that .....here we were with a totally unexpected outcome, a first, new baby at Xmas in need of all sorts of tests, an operation, a diagnosis and the hospitals all working at 25% strength because it was Christmas and we were told we would have to wait until the New Year...and yet she was hopeful and joyous !
Of course in the end she was right.....that baby is about to be 16 and, though there are difficulties and the thought of him going away from school and launching in to the world is scary ....he is lovely, personable and managing so well academically and socially and it was only after yesterday's meeting that I could see exactly what she meant in that phone call so long ago.
Though it's not in my nature I have to learn to be more like that friend and other people I've met more recently who go ahead with real fortitude and positivity. My trust was shattered years and years ago but I have to have faith in the future and know it will be O.K.: this seems to be my lifelong struggle, the lesson I have to learn ---- to have to constantly remind myself that all will be well and to have more faith in myself and a good outcome
Thinking about how people deal with their dilemmas, BIG life events and tragedies.
Recently I've been brought up close to how the rug can just be pulled from under you. I had my wisdom teeth extracted and, as anyone who has followed this blog, that was a HUGE deal for me: the build up was two years with no end of negotiations and 'wriggling' on my part and finally I managed to psyche myself up to going and getting the job done. There is no way to communicate how pleased I was to have it over with or how proud I was of myself for having done it. I was literally ...LITERALLY...jumping for joy.
The pay off is that the anaesthetic and antibiotics that I had afterwards have not suited me at all. I can feel deep slippage in the progress department and it feels mighty scary...especially three weeks (or less) before Xmas and the son's 16th birthday. Just when I need to feel some sense of stability and safety in my energy envelope I feel anything but and I'm treading on thin ice. I know I've been here before and I know I have managed to pull out of it with careful management and pacing but, still, it scares me because before that tooth extraction I was feeling fairly chipper and, at times, ...whisper it....almost normal..or normal for me and the relapse of last year stills haunts me.
Christmas for me is a double-edged sword. On the one hand I love buying and making presents for other people and my loved ones. On the other hand there have been many Christmases which hold horrible memories that I don't want to revisit and yet I feel forced to do so because its Christmas and the sounds, smells and 'jolly festivities' are everywhere now...or if you shop at the Co-Op they've been everywhere since the end of August !
I wish I could be more open, more honest, more forthright in this blog. I so admire other people who blog who have the ability to share so much but, in all honesty, I can't. It's just not in me to be too open about myself and that because of the past. Even writing that is scary to me ...........Its just that if things were going to go wrong they seem to have done so at or very near Christmas so that, as for many people, the older I get, the more ghosts and bad memories fill the Christmas space.
Yesterday I was in town and turned round to see an old work colleague standing just near me. We haven't seen each other for about 7 years. She is a truly amazing person. She has overcome no end of adversity, runs a small charity, has brought up three children of her own, 4 foster children and adopted two and as long as I've known her (about 20 years) she has always had a smile on her face: everything is seen as an opportunity, as a possibility for something new and something good...even when a situation facing her or someone she knows looks so grim.
When our son was born and it turned out that he had all sorts of difficulties ( there had been no warning...it was a perfectly normal pregnancy) she was one of the first people to phone. She was so positive, so 'up', so full of hope and even though I knew she meant well I was furious with her. I couldn't see how she could be like that .....here we were with a totally unexpected outcome, a first, new baby at Xmas in need of all sorts of tests, an operation, a diagnosis and the hospitals all working at 25% strength because it was Christmas and we were told we would have to wait until the New Year...and yet she was hopeful and joyous !
Of course in the end she was right.....that baby is about to be 16 and, though there are difficulties and the thought of him going away from school and launching in to the world is scary ....he is lovely, personable and managing so well academically and socially and it was only after yesterday's meeting that I could see exactly what she meant in that phone call so long ago.
Though it's not in my nature I have to learn to be more like that friend and other people I've met more recently who go ahead with real fortitude and positivity. My trust was shattered years and years ago but I have to have faith in the future and know it will be O.K.: this seems to be my lifelong struggle, the lesson I have to learn ---- to have to constantly remind myself that all will be well and to have more faith in myself and a good outcome
8 comments:
re being more open etc - not keen on doing too much stripping off on blog myself, I like the Emily Dickinson "tell all the truth but tell it slant" approach. So peeps can read between the lines if they want to, or not.
Teeth! I've got a couple of nasties to face in the new year and dreading it mainly because of after-effects. Already having pre-effects, actually.
Epathy, etc. x
Good old Emily :O)....'bout right I reckon
Teeth...well as you know my little 'do' wasnt anything like as awful as I feared but after-effects are another matter.
Lots of epathy to you too my dear x
Sending you as much positive energy as I can to help you through this December slump :)
In terms of sharing personal stuff ... do you write things down for private consumption? I've written a lot of letters etc that I've never mailed and the process has always far exceeded the urge for the intended recipient to read them. Perhaps some of what you hold as private/chilling/shameful etc wouldn't seem to hold such power if it was written out for your eyes only initially?
Regardless, hugs and Xmas humbug ;)
xx
Thanks Barry, Yes I do write letters like that and write stuff down just for me...always have....but that is private stuff and I can't just bear my soul as some people seem able to;;;may even be a generational thing : that internetty stuff is too public. Think younger people like you have less reserve like that. Theres nothing shameful about these things and I dont feel guilty. Nothing to feel guilty for. I just figure now that the harm is done, I put it behind me and move on :O)
Thanks for the support though
Your blog is always interesting and thought provoking even if you are not telling us everything about yourself and your inner workings - that's ok - we all leave stuff out however frank our blogs appear, i am sure!
Sorry you have had such a slump post-extraction, I hope things pick up and you can feel some peace with past events this xmas time.
I assumed way to much in my previous comment, sorry.
Being stoic is, perhaps, a generational thing. If it works for you, and doesn't cause any repression issues then it can't be a bad approach.
How do you feel when you read others emptying their guts?
I think, because a lot of my personality was formed during a very dysfunctional childhood, I find it really useful to put stuff 'out there' and get some third-party views as I'm trying to change some of my faulty beliefs now that I don't have an image of strength or capability to protect anymore.
Thanks Ashy :O)
Barry...I woudln't say I'm stoic...just not a 'spiller :O) though I am quite private in my own way . As for other people's stuff well I'm more than happy to hear whatever they wish to share...especially if I think I can provide support or advice. I always feel honoured if they do. I just wonder sometimes if people who are willing to share more (people like yourself), for whatever reason, get more back for being so brave.....but I can't do it :O)
Hi Cusp, good to read your post. I have learned - far too late in life - to be very philosophical about things and I no longer fret over what goes wrong. Of course, it is the many "going-wrongs" of past years that have brought me to this point! I was always a worrier, anxiety disorder really, but now I no longer care - if things go well, that's good, if they don't, well, we just move on, don't we. The river of life flows on so to speak.
Some folks wonder what the purpose of life is - I don't believe it has a purpose, per se, we just happen to have been brought into existence and one day we will be gone. So, we are here and should make ourselves as comfortable as we can. If some things don't work out, well, we can't wind the clock back, we should just take stock and move on. Or rest for a bit.
Teeth - I have a wisdom tooth that is dying, dentist says it will abscess then need root therapy or pulling out so has given me a 'script for antibiotics and told me to phone him when (not 'if'!) it gets sore. Hullo! We are coming up to Christmas and he is off for two weeks ... but I am not fazed, I know now that what will be will be.
Is all that fatalistic? And, I am sorry, I do not know what it has to do with your post, except that your post prompted this little meander of mine.
I love that picture by the way - who was the artist, do you know?
I am plugging away, doing as much oil pastel work as I can. My photography has fallen in a slump, need some stimulus to get going again.
I do think of you and the other Facebook folk - I hope that 2011 turns out to be all you want it to be. Best wishes and a couple of hugs from ... Adam
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