I got a real flashback/pang yesterday...first in a long time: waiting for my daughter to come out from after school club.
All the other parents waiting in their cars and a beautiful Spring evening. I'd had a very rough day...a lot of pain, digetsive problems, fatigue..spent an hour on bed in afternoon with TENS machine.
I looked at the other parents and thought...
'they're all normal (actually they may not be !)...they're all normal and have had normal days just getting on with stuff...been to work, been to the shops etc etc...I remember that and it's so long ago'
...and then immediately I got a flashback to when this really started in earnest: a day when I'd had a lieu day or afternoon off work and collected my daughter early from nursery .
I'd decided to take her to the seaside ..about 20 miles ...for an ice cream and a toddle by the sea. We got there, with me feeling jaded, and she didn't want to walk/toddle so I got the buggy from out of the car and pushed her a little way by the sea to her favourite spot where there's a rock garden.
I had to sit down ...winded, exhausted. I remember thinking,
'Oh God I've got to push her back to the car and drive home. I can't do it...I haven't got the energy....there's nothing there.'
Of course I had to...we had to get home.
She was about 18 months and I put on the jolly face as we licked our ice creams. I was terrified that my exhaustion and fear would show in my face. I somehow pushed her back to the car, changed her nappy, loaded the buugy and drove home...I knew something was really wrong. I collapsed washing up later....trying to act as if nothing was wrong, that it would all go away.
...and in the meantime I've been at home a lot, watching my career go down the pan, my life disintegrate, my daughter grow to a teenager, watching the other parents progress, get on with ordinary things that they take for granted....and I'm still in the same spot...watching every move, fearful, wondering if I can make it from my metaphorical seat in a rock garden to a car that could take me away from all this
15 comments:
Feeling for you Cusp x
Sorry you have been feeling so rough lately x
You made it home with your daughter after the trip to the seaside; you have an incredible strength of will and spirit.
"I'm still in the same spot...watching every move, fearful, wondering if I can make it from my metaphorical seat in a rock garden to a car that could take me away from all this"
I'm sure you will, indeed, make it from the metaphorical rock garden to the car, and from there, to home safely.
I hope these see you through
All that and it's hard to find someone in the medical profession to take it seriously enough to do anything for you. Feeling for you too . . .
Am I grateful (there's that word again !)that things have progressed since that day and even though I say at the end that I'm still in the same spot in a way I'm not: at least I know what's wrong now (I honestly thought I was dying that day...I just had never had SUCH a feeling of total exhaustion and the fear about driving home was awful...but as ever with me...I soldiered on and thought 'It'll be OK. I'm not giving in to this'), I am able to do stuff, I have had a lot more time at home with children than I'd ever have had if I hadn't gotten ill and I've had time to be back in touch with myself.
It was the sudden shock of that memory coing bcak unbidden and coming back so strongly that hit me yesterday...the similarity in the weather, the ordinariness of it all and the sense that you never know what's round the corner
oh cusp, my dear. I know. every step measured, every action weighed. and all those normies with no idea how blessed they are, even with all life's complexities they surely face. melancholy days are okay too. we can't ne making monkey-joy every minute. not with this shite.
Wow, Cusp. I started to get all choked up with your post.
How many times have I done this.
It does seem so unfair.
I'm so sorry and I am hoping for a day - soon - that we all have a delivery of our brand new 'cars'...or a least a car that is able to get up and go!
(hugs to you my friend)
It's so very understandable that you are feeling this way. It must be SO hard living with this illness and having kids... I just can't begin to imagine...
I really know that feeling but for different reasons as I don't have kids. But I find it hard when I see on facebook all my friends I went to university with having their own successful businesses etc. I only got to work for one year. I often think some of my psychological pain might be easier had I even had five years to work in the industry... I just don't feel I've achieved anything... It's the one part I don't think outsiders can understand. They think as we've been living with the illness for so long that it some how becomes a lot easier to accept. It just isn't!
I hope you have a little support by your side at the moment.
You know you may not be having the same success as the other parents, but you very clearly have been VERY successful within this illness. It must take INCREDIBLE strength to keep going with a family...
Go easy on yourself (((((()))))) xx
Mmmmm memories can be pure evil sometimes ... but I reckon that even the worst memories help you to put things into perspective for today, and whether that perspective is good or bad it's your reality and you need to recognize where you are. 'Oh, I'm still bloody here in this same spot' is better than 'OMG, where the hell am I' ...... xx
Hi Treya, Affe (for I do believe it is she), Dominique and Lee Lee...
Yes those memories can be painful but in all honesty I'm used to them and have kind of 'put them to bed'. The time when I could still run around after kids AND go to work etc are another life..somebody elses life and that's OK. This was more about the sudden jolt of that flashback and realising that that day was so long ago now and so much has happened since to us (our family) all. It really shocked me.
It made me reflect briefly on what could have been, how it was 'supposed' to be...but it hasnt been like that and that's that. I'm meant to take another path and its has taken a long time to find it but I think I'm getting there slowly like all of us.
So much hurt in your post, so much wisdom in your comments. It is a different path. Finding meaning, creating meaning and even joy, is an every day challenge. I worry about the effect my illness has had on the kids. There's so much they've been cheated out of. Yet, they are remarkably sweet, independent, aware, and compassionate. I like to think there's a measure of compensation to all this.
I'm careful to keep my memories and feelings about CFS tucked away in my pocket. They come out rarely. They're just not helpful to me while I'm trying to make the best of my life.
Hugs.
Oh yes, now I know what you mean. A momentary flash of reality I call it. I have found myself before maybe struggling to walk up a small hill like an old woman and had this sudden flash of 'oh my god is this really me? What happened to the vibrant person I really was and was supposed to be. It's as if life just carries us along and suddenly we get this major moment of awareness.
I was telling this to my sis a while back. She has had four kids very quickly. She said she has had something similar when she is sitting in her living room and all the kids are jumping around and suddenly she felt 'oh my god these are my kids, how could this be, I still feel so young for it : )
I know exactly what you mean - remembering these moments of absolute fatigue and illness. And watching how much time has gone by since. It's amazing how we "get through them" or "soldier on". Sometimes I think, wow, if anyone really knew how much I go through when I just "do" something simple - for me it's an act of heculaen proportions - they'd hand my a metal or something. Hang in there, take care.
It makes me sad to know that you are feeling this way.
Gentle *hugs* to you Cusp.
memories of being well can be so hard, especially when they 'hit you in the face' s to speak. The other day I was asked to stir the salad. I couldn't. Not long before we had been talking about how I used to be singled out to show how strong I was in my arms during gymnastic practice. The incredably strong contradiction was hard to take.
I know what you mean cusp, I hope that you can relive happy memories with a smile, and not with pain in your heart and body. XX
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