Thought it easier to respond to all those comments to my last post by writing another.
Firstly, thank you so much for all the support, advice and suggestions.
Looking back at the post yesterday I felt quite embarassed at writing such a whingey, depressing diatribe. I try to be upbeat and positive and maintain a kind of 'just get on with it' attitude. However, having mentioned this on Facebook I was reminded that actually it's OK to admit to being down once in a while and, actually, if the boot was on the other foot i.e if I was responding to such a post I'd say the same as all of you. I'm just not good at giving myself permission to be negative --- in public anyway.
It was actually an outpouring based upon several days of feeling slightly unwell, with a bad back and everything, everything being so difficult and complicated --- not actually because of my health problems but more down to the fact of other aspects of my life here. Having a disabled child and a very old and disabled dog makes things much more difficult for anyone: even trying to find the right car. I bought a 'new' car just before Xmas and it has been distastrous: we can't get my son's mobility scooter in it as well as all the shopping; the boot is too high for the dog to jump into so I have to lift him in and out (hence the bad back), the seat is all wrong for me and the person who owned it before me saturated everything in Febreeze and despite all my attempts I cannot iradicate the chemical smell. We wanted to book a holiday but everywhere was wrong because of my particular needs or my son's ...too smelly, too hilly, no proper disabled access etc etc etc. It just seemed like nothing was easy earlier in the week.
I know too that my partner working from home will be O.K. We've been together a longgggggg time and adapated to no end of different situations. I felt even better once I'd made a start (if only a small one) on redecorating what will become the office. I just needed to take control, make plans.
I DO make plans, 'to do' lists and keep to them mainly but in the last post I was thinking of the sort of 'blue sky' lists I used to make...the big dreams...the progression of a career, creating new work, paintings, films, moving etc. That's what I miss. Everything now is so diluted and small and minor. Whenever I have tried to go for big things (which take a lot of time and effort) I have been thwarted and left undone. For years I have had to settle for everything being small and piecemeal, fractured instead of the constant moving forward and earlier this week it just really got to me.
I need to pull in my horns and accept my own pace and carve out my own space
Thank you all again for all the support. It's great to have such a wonderful sounding board
9 comments:
It's ok, you spoke for all of us I think. And you're still awesome, even on off days.
Goodness you're allowed to whinge, you're allowed to not listen to a word any of us say, you're allowed to listen and still whinge.
I think we get that any post about any set of circumstances is framed by everything else going on, that has been, that will or might me. It might be a small simple life with ME but it ain't always simple that's for sure!
Whinge? That wasn't a whinge ... if you want to see what a whinge is then have another read of my blog hahaha!
Glad your head has moved back into a better space again. xx
Your grief is very much warranted. I don't think you're being negative at all. It makes sense to miss things, to grieve the things you thought you would achieve and the things you long for. It's okay to wish that simple things were easier to accomplish or that things were simpler! I think the stiff upper lip or the bright-side attitude can help one get by, but it needs also to allow for the real sadness. If we don't acknowledge what is hard and where we hurt emotionally then it just festers.
I really relate to this post and your last: I am full of melancholy right now as I think of what I could have done had I not been struck with so much pain. I didn't have a chance to get a career off the ground, have lost more and more ability as the years have gone by and miss being physically exuberant. I think I need to go back to grief counselling again. Loss of health can go in stages... I need a refresher course and need to let some big stuff out, I think. Have you ever done grief counselling around your loss of health? Just a thought...
Thank you SO much for your honesty and your blogging. Please know that these public declarations are gifts to those who tread a similar path as well as to those who want to learn.
it's all about communications and relationships ...
we've got to "plan" our best in our environment, and not be slow to adjust that plan, depending on how we do.
(a "plan" can be just to have a cup of tea ... or somefink)
Well thanks again all :O) Boy...if only there was such support and understanding in real, everyday life.
Donimo...bless you. Think you hit the nail on the head...its melancholy. I'm not depressed or even angry at the moment. It is more melancholia (in the old-fshioned sense rather than the 'here have some prozax' snese ) Most of the time I can 'just get on with it but its the sadness that what I can 'get on with' is only a piddling amount of what I want to get on with and, like you, after SO long...like you 30 years,Im getting a sense of what I havent achieved. I should be singing 'Always Lokk on the Bright Side of Life' or 'Dont Worry Be Happy@ and whitsing a happy tune but I despise tha sentiment and just dont want to put on a grin.
Never really done grief counselling though I recognise its merits.
I know all of us here have our losses -- heh doesnt everyone -- but you, Don have really shouldered a huge amount and I know the health probs of family members have weighed heavy lately. I do really hope that the 'burden' (though I know it's not that really) lightens soon.
Thanks all. Really appreciate all your support. Bless you x
Personally, I love that you have been able to express all this. Sorry I missed the original post, just catching up now.
I know you have your reasons and I respect them but sometimes I worry about the cost of being so stoic and British all the time. I hope expressing yourself in this way has been a positive experience (especially in terms of the 'feedback' you get from those who care about you) and that you feel able to do it as and when required.
xx
You vulneralbility and transparency are touching, Cusp. May you find solace in being part of the collective whole that moans and groans through the difficult spots of living. I love your spirit!
Cusp, we've all been there, and let's face it, with this illness we ARE there to some degree every day. If we're having a good day we silently count our blessings and hope it lasts.
I find it very difficult to gauge just how much I can say about how I feel when I'm feeling fed up with this illness. Not only that, but sometimes I want to express my views and opinions about all manner of issues but I also know that some people just can't handle anyone expressing strong, or relevant, or personal feelings.
There's a lot to be said for honesty and openness, and it takes courage and maturity to say "this is how it is".
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