Well, I promised myself that this wouldn’t become a blog about chronic fatigue, but sometimes, it just so gets in the way that it’s impossible to ignore and impossible to mention.
The Easter holidays are over, the children are back at school and now I’m left to pick up the pieces. There is still all the clearing up to do after the bathroom was extended – I did some painting (of walls, doors, drainpipes) in the holidays but there’s still stuff to do and lots to catch up on.
None of this has been helped by the fact that my herbalist sent my tincture just before I ran out of this vital stuff and it was lost in the post. I had no tincture for two weeks and, if I ever had any doubts that this stuff was only working on a placebo/psychological level, they’ve all gone now: the combination of looking after the needs of two young children and no tincture has left me on my knees.
In addition to this my teeth have been playing up and I have to go to the dentist. I hate going – not because of the pain/discomfort but because it’s impossible to find a dentist who understands this condition and the way it ebbs and floes; the way it’s so difficult to cope with that level of dental/personal invasion when you feel tired and weak. I can’t cope with more than 15/20 minutes of treatment and yet when I say this, the dentist gets really shirty and uppity with me. What can I do ? What can I say ? If I could be ‘put out’ I would but the NHS dentists want to work as cheaply and quickly as possible and there’s no time to discuss or understand what’s going on for people as individuals ---not their fault but very frustrating for them and their patients.
It’s strange how quickly the body and mind forgets symptoms once they begin to diminish. Recently all sorts of stuff has re-emerged that I haven’t had for months: the feeling that my blood isn’t reaching my extremities, the dizziness, the tinnitus, the tiredness, the lack of focus, the IBS, the sickness. I’m so sick of all this and so sick of losing my energies to other people and having none left for myself. I will pick up and I will get better than this but it’s so frustrating. I love my children and partner dearly –they all mean the world to me and they cope with this wretched condition very well ----its does affect them too, after all, but I still feel so cross sometimes that my energies go on looking after them to the point where I’m really struggling. I could leave a lot more up to my partner, but I don’t want to become ‘the sick one’; I don’t want to become ‘a condition’. I want to contribute, to give, to care for and not to be cared for. It’s a real conundrum, though I have to say it’s nothing new. Whether I’ve been ill or well, I’ve spent my life trying to figure out the problem of how much of me to give to other people and how much to keep for myself. Sometimes I think I’ll never get it right.
I shouldn’t really be rabbiting on about all this, but this blog’s a space for me to let off steam so……………………………
Moan over………………………………………………………………
The Easter holidays are over, the children are back at school and now I’m left to pick up the pieces. There is still all the clearing up to do after the bathroom was extended – I did some painting (of walls, doors, drainpipes) in the holidays but there’s still stuff to do and lots to catch up on.
None of this has been helped by the fact that my herbalist sent my tincture just before I ran out of this vital stuff and it was lost in the post. I had no tincture for two weeks and, if I ever had any doubts that this stuff was only working on a placebo/psychological level, they’ve all gone now: the combination of looking after the needs of two young children and no tincture has left me on my knees.
In addition to this my teeth have been playing up and I have to go to the dentist. I hate going – not because of the pain/discomfort but because it’s impossible to find a dentist who understands this condition and the way it ebbs and floes; the way it’s so difficult to cope with that level of dental/personal invasion when you feel tired and weak. I can’t cope with more than 15/20 minutes of treatment and yet when I say this, the dentist gets really shirty and uppity with me. What can I do ? What can I say ? If I could be ‘put out’ I would but the NHS dentists want to work as cheaply and quickly as possible and there’s no time to discuss or understand what’s going on for people as individuals ---not their fault but very frustrating for them and their patients.
It’s strange how quickly the body and mind forgets symptoms once they begin to diminish. Recently all sorts of stuff has re-emerged that I haven’t had for months: the feeling that my blood isn’t reaching my extremities, the dizziness, the tinnitus, the tiredness, the lack of focus, the IBS, the sickness. I’m so sick of all this and so sick of losing my energies to other people and having none left for myself. I will pick up and I will get better than this but it’s so frustrating. I love my children and partner dearly –they all mean the world to me and they cope with this wretched condition very well ----its does affect them too, after all, but I still feel so cross sometimes that my energies go on looking after them to the point where I’m really struggling. I could leave a lot more up to my partner, but I don’t want to become ‘the sick one’; I don’t want to become ‘a condition’. I want to contribute, to give, to care for and not to be cared for. It’s a real conundrum, though I have to say it’s nothing new. Whether I’ve been ill or well, I’ve spent my life trying to figure out the problem of how much of me to give to other people and how much to keep for myself. Sometimes I think I’ll never get it right.
I shouldn’t really be rabbiting on about all this, but this blog’s a space for me to let off steam so……………………………
Moan over………………………………………………………………
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