I've been following four blogs ( readingthesigns/and velo-gubbed-legs and confessionsofapsychotherapistand michaelnobbs ) for the past six months and decided it's time to try and go back to blogging for myself again.
I feel frustrated and sad that I didn't manage to maintain it before. This was meant to be a space for me to be me without all the baggage of my condition (M.E.) but, inevitably, the illness got in the way and life became hectic and I just couldn't keep it up. I realise now (in part thanks to reading those blogs) that it's OK to be someone with M.E. and still write about other stuff: that one doesn't necessarily exclude the other. I can't escape the illness, even in a virtual world, so I may as well get on with it and be more honest with myself and about myself. All sorts of stuff has happened with regard to a diagnosis and many of my fears and intuitions have been confirmed in the last two years. This initially led me to a place of graet anger and frustration but I'm gradually coming to terms with things again.
Recently 'Reading the Signs' has been trying to find a way to express in words, through a poem, how it is to have M.E. Her recent comments inspired me ---- well they didn't actively inspire, they kind of seeped into my unconscious so that I woke this morning with this verse in my head.
I'm not usually taken to words like this - my head works more visually, but I know how I feel about the illness. Many people, paricularly women, seem to envisage the illness as some kind of seedy man who preys and stalks. I've been stalked in real life and it isn't that feeling for me. It's much more parasitical....................
Blessed curse,
No dripping blood for me.
Insidious lover
Attendant on my misery.
Hands that grab and prey and pull me down,
thrusting, clawing, pawing.
Drown.
5 comments:
It's great that you've taken up blogging again! I know from reading what you have posted in mine and others' comments that you have things to say and it is strange and good that words can carry an energy from us even when the rest of us is not strong.
Got to go and prepare for a "viewing" - back later to say more about stalker/parasite etc. but wanted to welcome you back (a bit of a cheek as you were here before me).
Thanks for the welcome. I really shall try to keep going this time and maintain the flow.
Welcome back - it's really good to see you writing again. :-)
I've slowed down a lot as have a lot going on in RL, and not sure I should blog about some of it yet. But knowing me, I probably will. ;-)
Best wishes from sunny Liverpool
I still have a notebook from the early days of getting M.E. where I refer to it as the "monster parasite". It is significant how so many of us fix on the same kind of images to give expression to how it feels. It does, I think, reveal something about the nature of the beast.
Dear Maggie, Thanks for the welcome. It's been a while and there's been lots going on here too -- hence the long gap. I know of some of your 'diversions' from reading your blog and boy do they ring bells ! Take it all slowly and bit by bit my dear. Email me if you want to know more about the experiences your m-in-law has been having. My partner works in that field.
Hi RTS. There's something about this condition that is parasitical (literally in some cases): like you're stalked from within. What interests me too is that, as ever when there is a potentially weakened 'host', all the parasites come along to join in. Given all the hoohah about ME within the medical profession, the insurance companies, the drug companies, the charlatans, the politicians, etc I think we can say that there are quite a few blood suckers slurping around in the hope of a tasty meal. They all want their share, their glory, their promototion and meanwhile the host writhes about hoping for deliverance from the internal preditor.
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