Thank you

The response to my last proper post 'When I was an Artist' has amazed me, really. I have to say that I laboured over writing that piece and laboured again over posting it because it seemed so whiny and self indulgent but it seems that I struck a chord particularly amongst those PWME who are especially creative or had jobs within the Arts before becoming ill.

Those of you who have visited here before will know that my struggles to come to terms with the losses I, like many others, have had to face surface on a regular basis. I try and try to sort it all out and try and try not to keep going on about it --- to keep light and thankful for what I do have: God knows it's a lot more than many others. However, last weekend I really did feel as if there was a physically tangible piece of glass between me and 'those artists over there'.

Your response and the outpouring of shared experience is a real salve to me and I really am so grateful for each of you spending time to comment. This is when blogging comes into it's own. That is why, rather than post my response in the comments section, I have decided to make respond in a new post.

Digi wrote powerfully and also mentioned Donimo's reaction when she commented:

'...We lose our continuity, our ideas can evaporate long before they have a chance to come into reality in any meaningful way. I tell myself off for being so effing lazy about making images, and not being prolific enough, and not pursuing my ideas and seeing them through, but as Domino says, perhaps we are unrealistic and demanding of ourselves....'

and Signs say how much my words hurt because she recognises the truth and the sorrow that goes with having to be so bloody brave all the time. I recognize all this and I think it is, maybe, in our nature to strive to maintain or self expression when it is something so dear to us and so integral a part of our whole raison d'etre. For me the lack of continuity is one of the most irksome traits of my present existence. It's as if I am attacked on two sides; on the one by a foggy head that forgets ideas before they are even written down and on the other by a body that so limits my activity that, in completing the necessary tasks of self-care and looking after a home and children, there are insufficient resources left for me to complete anything.

I wonder, in my usual Development Worker/ Rescuer/ Enabler way (the professional and the personal coming together in he usual Cusp-ish manner !), if there is any way in which we can support/enable each other to maintain a creative flow and yet I know deep down that this is probably doomed to failure because we are all like highly tuned, idiosyncratic creatures who have to individually adapt to circumstances in a more extreme sense than other people. I don't see a realistic way in which we could come together to achieve such a goal --- or maybe I'm being defeatist and cowardly.

In any sense and any way I know that we all do our best: fighting the good fight for ourselves, our nearest and dearest and continuing the struggle for some sort of creative output and voice for our inner most feelings and notions.

There are many who now believe the almost populist notion that 'everyone is an artist' Certainly when I was at College that was a commonly spoken idea. Personally I do not believe it to be true. I do believe that everyone is creative (or has the potential to be so) but being an artist is not quite the same thing. I'm not even sure if I am an artist and, certainly I recognise Rachel's struggle to recognise herself as an artist and the desire to move on from her initial exploration of her creative self. In fact I would say that she is an emerging artist and has moved into that realm where everything you see and touch, feel and smell has the potential to be the blur touch-paper for another work. For Rachel and people like her I would point her towards places like the OCA (Open College for the Arts) and artists like Corina Duyn who has M.E. but has used her experience to expand and develop her artistic skills and expression. I know that she took and still takes OCA courses which can be completed at home in ones own time but also have the benefit of one-to-one tuition with some very good tutors.

This last weekend was another marathon --- partner's birthday, partner's birthday party/garden party, town's open gardens/artist studios --which I was determined to visit no matter how hard it was [and it was ! ;-)) ]. Somehow along the way I managed to take some pictures of flowers in our garden --- brief moments when there was time to 'smell the roses'.

I send these images to all of you and wish you well.

A postscript to this post:

RachelCreative got in touch via comments on the previous post to say she has set up a blog ring in order to offer support and encouragement to artists who have a chronic health condition. http://chronicartists.wordpress.com