We went away this weekend: the first time I’ve managed to travel that far ( a WHOLE 40 miles !!!) since the summer before last. It was great. Not without its difficulties ….because for someone with chemical sensitivities, staying in any accommodation is risky --- and this time the perfumed washing powder used to wash the duvet covers got to me big time, ---- but, nevertheless, it was lovely to go for some peace away from the builders and the everyday grind.
And today there is more peace because we have a 9 hour power cut in the village for ‘essential maintenance work’ so there is no phone, no heat, no internet. No one using their electric mower, no builders with their radio on all the time and no TV. Even in the countryside it is noisy these days and round these parts, my dearios, many people are retired and at home all day and they are hobbyists --- usually men and usually men who like machines: lawnmowers, tractors, , hedge trimmers, lathes, woodturning etc etc and they all make a noise: and you thought that Cusp Villa was situated in an ocean of solitude and quiet in the Suffolk countryside ----Hah !
Our weekend retreat was near to relatives’ homes. We visited this couple on the way back. One is a musician, the other a textile artist. I have known one of them longer than my own partner…nearly 30 years.
They have two children, like us, and a much more bohemian attitude to life than us: they’re not concerned about a tidy(ish) house, not concerned about set mealtimes. They’re concerned about their art and getting stuff done. The house is unconventional, chaotic and happy. They are not without their own health problems.
I wonder how their lives seem so different to ours.
What is it about me that prevents me from staying with my creativity? What is it that makes me put my all into the children, the house and trying to stay above the waterline with my health ? Why is it that this other couple are still relatively close to who they were 25 or even 30 years ago and I have drifted so far away from who I was all that time ago.
Some of it is sense of self and sense of responsibility.
They are both caring parents and caring individuals who will and have been there for other people in the family when needed…..but they still maintained their identity and their practice. I, on the other hand, have a much lesser sense of self, much lesser confidence in my ability to be creative than them…even though I know this is wrong of me. My identity is bound up in being the rescuer, the helper, the aid. Theirs is bound up in being creative. Their own children call them by their Christian names rather than Mum & Dad. Our children only do so as a joke: I am very much the parent. I am not seen as an artist or anything else other than a parent or as someone who’s not very well. That saddens me.
My sense of responsibility is huge, overwhelming. This may be a legacy of being an only child…and the only child of a parent who was often unwell and another parent who worked with disabled people and spent their life giving and encouraging.
If there is a choice between my creativity and the needs of my children --- even if that need is relatively insignificant (‘….will you help me put on my socks…’) I will go to them and put myself aside.
It is true that having a disabled child puts greater stress on one’s need to be there as a parent (the child who needs help with socks is 15….he can’t bend down that far and socks are difficult to put on at the best of times…never mind zips, buttons etc which are an impossibility) but even so, why do I put everything on hold for them ?
Am I too giving, too saintly [NOT !!! ;o) ] or am I just scared to put myself first and take the leap back to being an individual adult whose creativity matters ? Is helping with socks the easy option ?
In my last post I spoke about living on the cusp, on the edge. That holds still. I do live on the cusp because of my health, but, after that visit this weekend I am beginning to feel that there is something else going on that prevents me from being true to myself.
Maybe it is the natural order of things: that you give as much as possible to children when they are little and incapable of so much and then gradually they learn and become independent and begin to fly the nest, fly further, need you less …..and this point is during a period of adjustment: me adjusting to my children’s’ increasing independence and lack of need for me.
And if that is so, what does that mean for me ? Who am I ? What shall I do ?
When I first became so unwell that I could no longer go to work, there was a part of me that thought
‘Right, well, however ill I am, at least I’m here and I shall do whatever I can, when I can, for the children because they are the most important thing (at this point they were only 2 and 5 years old) and the rest (i.e. an career plans, creativity ) can go hang because I can’t do it all now like I used to (and boy did I do it all !!!) and so I must set priorities…and they are number one.’
Now I’m not so sure that holds true any more…even for my son who is more able and independent, despite everything. Maybe it’s time to try again and move out into the world no matter how unwell I might feel at times.
Maybe those shadows I keep sensing, maybe those glimpses of something else are beckoning….but it’s a very scary place to be.
12 comments:
I can really relate to what you are saying. Growing up I was extremely creative. Once I had met my partner and started living my life with him I found ways and excuses to push the creativity aside to make way for 'responsible adult'. There was always something simmering away under the surface though and after my partners death it just all came out. I think in some odd way it was like a fear of being creative and it wasn't until I was alone again that I had run out of excuses and I got back to the essential version of me.
It sounds like maybe you are approaching a similar point. Maybe you could try to structure in some set 'me time' when you can lock yourself away each week and give yourself permission to create! Sounds like fun!!
I think it's a slippery slope to compare yourself to other people and you're being much too hard on yourself.
I believe there is no greater role in like than being a parent - helping your children to grow into happy, responsible adults. And, yes, there is added responsibility and stress in parenting sick kids, but that only makes our job as parent all that more important. Our kids are only kids for a short time. We have the rest of our lives to pursue our own interests.
So, while there's nothing wrong with renewing your interest in creative pursuits and re-finding your sense of self, there's also nothing to be ashamed of in devoting your limited energies to being a good mother.
Just my humble opinion, from one sick mom to another -
Sue
Yeah I think you're right Lee Lee. I need to make real time, a schedule for myself and treat myself seriusly again.
Cusp-
I think it would be wonderful if you could ALLOW yourself some time to allow more creativity into your life. After all, aren't we supposed to do something that makes US happy each day?
However, I also would be careful comparing myself to other families. I am happy with the fact that my "adult" children still come to me with issues and problems, still want me when they are sick, and still need me. I don't think there is anything wrong with being a parent forever first, but to also (as they become more independent) to find those other parts of yourself that naturally got stuffed down to care for your children.
The balance of both is best in my opinion.
Hello, Cusp, how are you doing today? I would instinctively agree with what Sue Jackson first said: "It's a slippery slope to compare yourself to other people...."
This seems true to me and would be something I would (personally) try to avoid doing at all costs - it helps eradicate feelings of both inferiority and superiority, I find, and decreases the chances of a judgmental attitude developing.
There is also the broader, more general point - not specifically about you or about anyone in particular - as to how we may lead our lives and how this may make us feel (about ourselves, our place in the world and blah and blah...)
Now, obviously, if you personally feel that it would be desirable to be doing more creative things then this closes the argument down. That's a personal choice or belief and then it's just up to you to find ways of making this happen.
If, on the other hand, you felt (or decided) that doing absolutely nothing at all was your preferred option, then that would close the argument down, too. This would be a personal choice or belief and there's not much anyone can say to that (if they're sensible).
The point being, in a roundabout way (sorry), that there is no right or wrong in these matters - or I've never had anyone convincingly show me that there is, in any event. It's only really once we start to feel that we ought to be doing something that the problems begin. This, especially in the face of an illness that may make these things less practical to achieve, I imagine, may lead to self-recrimination and regret. And that doesn't really help anyone.
I hope that made sense. (I'm having one of those deeply frustrating days when it feels next to impossible to articulate myself clearly, so do please excuse the resultant debris.)
In other news....I find it a wee bit strange when I hear children address their parents by their first names. I don't know why. I've known a fair few people who have done this - and good luck to them, of course - but I can't help feeling slightly creeped by it all. I tend to feel that children need their parents to be parents, not their friends (although obviously it's terrific if friendly relations are maintained in the meantime). It all feels a bit something or other. Forced, maybe.
Okay, I should shut up.
Kind regards and tally-peep etc...
TPE
My Mum went through a "call me Helen" phase - it lasted about an hour, it felt unnatural to us but i do agree with TPE, we needed her to be our mum (we were still quite young). She was wanting some freedom and personal identity but unless you have always called your parent by their first name (i have a friend who does, which works fine) then it is hard to change!
You mention that they live in more chaos than you do, and i think personality comes in here - i could not be creative in clutter - i find it hard to focus until the essential tasks at least are done... we are all different. Seeing how other families live can open us up to thinking how we might like to change some ways we have got stuck into, but it is easy to romanticise from a outsider's point of view. I am sure your children appreciate knowing when their dinner is going to arrive and having clean socks and help right there to put them on!
I think Lee lee is right, set aside some regular "me" time so there is a little more balance and see what happens - there is nothing worse than feeling you have lost touch with who you are, essentially. I feel a bit like that sometimes, like i am watered-down version of who i was; in fact i have rejected so much of her wilder, freer, instinctively-knowing-what-was-right-for-me ways during my illness but i have not replaced her with anything as sure... rambling now, but i don't even have a parent role to adopt! You are doing a great job, don't doubt the value in good parenting - i am so indebted to my mum for what she did for us and i was so lucky to have one good parent, (the less said about the other the better!) it has really set me up to cope with life so much more easily than i might have.
BUT yes, take yourself seriously and your needs seriously. If the time is right and you can make a bit of space/time, do it. It will reward you and your family many-fold :)
I have just re-read your post (we can't see it while we comment) and i would also say that perhaps it does take a bit of courage to get on with the creative things, to step out of the "I am too needed" role. i know i have challenged my guilt at not doing enough, and not being useful enough recently. I would always do a bit of housework instead of focussing on doing something pleasurable or creative so i felt i was "doing my bit" even if my partner could do the household think in a fraction of the time i could. My partner is very supportive of me and of the need for a more balanced approach, it was all coming from me... maybe your family will take a few tasks from you, or habits can be re-arranged to allow you to give it a go, what ever "it" will be (ooh the possibilities!!) Good luck! (Sorry for two wordy comments, think i am tired but wired, as they say!!)
(sings) "Noele, Noele, Noele Noele,"
- oh bugger, I can't find anything to rhyme with it other than "Israel."
But she's looking good, Cusp - very.
It's good to keep saying yes to new possibilities - and risky. But to echo McTPE here, and in the immortal words of D.H. Lawrence:
"With should and ought I have nothing to do."
Amen.
This is what I refer to as the 'tension line' we must always walk out as those who are sick. However, we also walk it out as parents, as individuals.
I think it is about trying to find as much balance as one can in their lives. Sometimes, it will lean more to the left of the tension line and at other times more to the right.
I don't think the goal is to balance perfectly on this tension line (tight rope if you will) but to try to keep our path as close to the middle ground as possible, understanding that sometimes we may veer either way for different reasons whether it be for the sake of the children or whether it be for the sake of your own growth creatively.
BTW, I added a link of your blog on mine. I thought I already had but I was wrong.
I enjoyed taking this days journey with you. You gave me much to ponder.
Hi Cusp,
I've found your honest and self-reflective post very thought -provoking. I feel also that it's really important not to be too hard on oneself, and especially not to compare oneself to others. No good ever comes of it!!
That said, it is so enlightening to take a look at other families and households and see how they "do things".
I applaud you wholeheartedly for the efforts and time you have been giving to your children. That will never be time wasted, and hopefully not regretted. Still, perhaps they have reached a stage where you can take back some time for yourself now. It comes to all parents I think, this time where they really start to feel the lack of "me" time, and the balance needs adjusting, both for you and for the kids. Increasing their independence and letting them see that their mother has a life of her own is a hugely important lesson. Without it, they can easily come to believe that mother's/women are 2nd class citizens, or children are the centre of the universe, or some other equally negative lesson.
So, I think it's great you are reviewing your situation - priorities need regular re-assessment, and we all support you as you consider what you'd like to do. If you end up feeling a bit more fulfilled and happier, those endorphins will only help the physical side of things too!
Have you been listening in on conversations between Inge and me? We only talk about this every week, sometimes twice a week. She is something like you, overwhelmed by the responsibilities at work and home, with no time or energy for her much needed inner time, and creative expression.
I guess if it were me, I'd rather be faulted for being too attentive to my family. But maybe that's society talking. But you can't be a well watered garden - available to those who need you - if you don't water yourself. You have to get filled up, to fill others up. I can tell when I start getting resentful at work, March-May, in my busiest time. I have to stop and find a creative spark, or I will get depressed.
Well each of us has to find our own tempo. Keep scanning your insides and asking yourself, How am I? How do I feel? I think these questions lead to answers to Who am I? because they give us space to reflect on our own health and wellbeing, which is necessary for our best selves, I think.
Thank you for your very interesting comment about photo shame. It is a fascinating dilemma you face! I appreciate your sensitivity very much. You are a loving, giving soul.
Dear Ruth....you are so wise and I love '...you can't be a well watered garden - available to those who need you - if you don't water yourself...' I shall remember that when I am lost in this sea of responsibility and need to create.
Yes that project was very dear to me. I made real friends with all the older people I worked with and they learned a lot. Some had never been to an exhibition let alone made work themselves and seen it displayed. I remember at the private view they were made to feel like royalty ;O)
The last one died about 8 years since and I stilll miss them...one in particular who became like family -- an extra grandma to my children.
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