Great Aunt dragon
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
From the superficial to the spiritual
She came and liked the work....but then the blow.....she's been thinking about it and it will be a huge risk if she has to self publish again so what if she doesn't pay me but offers me a % of any sales....oh and can I just alter this image here and that image there.
I want to help. I want to be nice. This is /has been my role in life ...I still want to be helpful and nice but not at the expense of my self-esteem and self-worth and I don't think doing a lot of work for no pay will boost my self-worth, so it's a 'no'. Shame really, because it was quite fun but I 'm really trying to re-assess my values and get back to what I know is true for me.
I can find other work which will sustain me both creatively and financially.
I have been reading Deepak Chopra's 'The Book of Secrets'. It's a very dense read but I find the more I read it and let it flow over me (rather than trying to study it with a pencil in my hand) the more the fundamental truths he writes about make sense or connect witthings I already know to be true.
It's odd too, because I find echoes of what he says in no end of places ---odd conversations, things on TV. One thing I love at the moment is 'Tribe' (BBC 2 9p.m. Mondays). Bruce Parry goes to live with remote tribes all over the world and really does live with them --not solely as an observer but really tries to integrate. His good humour, courage and warmth are a real inspiration and he is becoming a real hero to me. What's interesting is that so many of these tribes people have value systems and ways of being and thinking about the world which are more grounded than ours. So much of how they see the world chimes with what I find in books like Chopra's.
I want to help. I want to be nice. This is /has been my role in life ...I still want to be helpful and nice but not at the expense of my self-esteem and self-worth and I don't think doing a lot of work for no pay will boost my self-worth, so it's a 'no'. Shame really, because it was quite fun but I 'm really trying to re-assess my values and get back to what I know is true for me.
I can find other work which will sustain me both creatively and financially.
I have been reading Deepak Chopra's 'The Book of Secrets'. It's a very dense read but I find the more I read it and let it flow over me (rather than trying to study it with a pencil in my hand) the more the fundamental truths he writes about make sense or connect witthings I already know to be true.
It's odd too, because I find echoes of what he says in no end of places ---odd conversations, things on TV. One thing I love at the moment is 'Tribe' (BBC 2 9p.m. Mondays). Bruce Parry goes to live with remote tribes all over the world and really does live with them --not solely as an observer but really tries to integrate. His good humour, courage and warmth are a real inspiration and he is becoming a real hero to me. What's interesting is that so many of these tribes people have value systems and ways of being and thinking about the world which are more grounded than ours. So much of how they see the world chimes with what I find in books like Chopra's.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
She's on her way ......
Well, I've managed to bash out four illustrations and she's coming to look today. This is very scary because I really don't feel like I know what I'm doing ....anyway she sounded positive about the stuff as I explained it on the phone.
The doing of it hasn't been made any easier by the fact that I feel pretty wierd and dreadful at the moment.
On Tuesday I went to the GP for my regular appointment where he says
'How are you ?' and I say
'Much the same' and we swap pleasantries for about 5 minutes and agree there's not much he can do for me and I say
'Goodbye' and he says
'Jolly good. Come back in three months.'
The thing is that on Tuesday I was feeling reasonable OK --well, as OK as I ever feel now. I sat waiting to see the GP in a very full waiting room ---- absolutely packed with the elderly population of my small market town. They seem to treat it as a social occasion:
'Did you know she says she's not coming to the meetings any more because Hilda made a nasty remark about her butterflies (cakes) at the Xmas Bazzar'
'Really, well they're nothing to right home about but we put them on the stall with everyone else's so why is she so upset. Oh look there's a lot a people going in for 'Bloods' ....that's old Fred Runeckle isn't .....poor soul........'
and whilst they chit chat and swap pill and ointment recommendations, muggins takes in great lung fulls of their bl*** germs and now I feel bloody dreadful cos I went to the doctor!
I joke and jape but actually this wretched condition (CFS) really gets me down sometimes. It really gets in the way of everything and its ugly head pops up when you least expect or want it. It's always there waiting to trip you up like a giant germ in a GP's waiting room.
I feel emotionally wobbly too. My poor bro-in-law, who's usually such a merry chap had a horrid year last year with a very strange and hard-to-diagnose illness. Eventually the docs got to the bottom of it and his funny turns and mind blowing depression have been completely alleviated by two drugs. I spoke to him last night on the phone and he sounds so well and cheerful and relieved. I am genuinely delighted for him and it's lovely to hear him as himself again and to see my partner so happy about it and relieved but inside I feel sad for me ----- if only the GPs could give me something to turn me life around like that so I didn't have to keep on trying so hard to keep up with everyone else and pretend I'm OK'ish when often I feel bl*** ill.
Friday, January 21, 2005
The dragon lady arrives and work begins
Well, she came ----- very nice and WI (Womens Institute) and very Keeeeeeeeeeeeen: left me to try out a few ideas. In my mind I had seen ferocious medieval dragons but what she wants is more akin to a sort of dragonesque 'Barney' ...all cutesy and cuddly with clothes so there you go and there I go desperately trying to create something that fits this lady's visual idea of her characters. This is a very strange process for me. I'm not used to trying to dance to someone else's tune, but I'm trying and have learnt to use my tablet for the first time and to use Dabbler.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
One door closes and another one opens
You know how yesterday I was worrying about all the stuff I had got rid of and what would happen next, well today I got a letter from an old neighbour saying that she had a friend who has written a children’s book and wants to find someone to illustrate it. Would I be interested ?
To be honest, I’m not sure. I’ve never done any illustration but I thought I may as well give it a go and phoned her.
She’s elderly and terribly enthusiastic ( I never use a computer dear, ..always stick to my trusty old Imperial ) but says she’s been let down by a friend who illustrates but just doesn’t seem to be working fast enough and
‘…I want this out and published by the end of the year …’
‘Have you found a publisher then ?...’
‘Well, no and I’m keeping it very close to my chest for the moment…’
‘Have you had anything published before ?’
‘Oh yes dear, my ‘History of Little Bumtwizell-on-Slite-‘ was a local triumph’
This conversation has made me a little nervous. For one thing I know nothing about illustration of children’s books and she wants to come and look at my work. What will she make of digital collages and work about dementia, birth, repositories and ill health ? None of it is really kiddy fodder, is it, and not in the style of little bunnies in bonnets either. Also, the stuff about her friend not working fast enough or with enough interest worries me. Will she sap what energy I have and all for nothing as she doesn’t really seem to have a publishing track record.
Maybe I’m being an miserable old bastard again. It is an opportunity ----- well, potentially anyway …………..
To be honest, I’m not sure. I’ve never done any illustration but I thought I may as well give it a go and phoned her.
She’s elderly and terribly enthusiastic ( I never use a computer dear, ..always stick to my trusty old Imperial ) but says she’s been let down by a friend who illustrates but just doesn’t seem to be working fast enough and
‘…I want this out and published by the end of the year …’
‘Have you found a publisher then ?...’
‘Well, no and I’m keeping it very close to my chest for the moment…’
‘Have you had anything published before ?’
‘Oh yes dear, my ‘History of Little Bumtwizell-on-Slite-‘ was a local triumph’
This conversation has made me a little nervous. For one thing I know nothing about illustration of children’s books and she wants to come and look at my work. What will she make of digital collages and work about dementia, birth, repositories and ill health ? None of it is really kiddy fodder, is it, and not in the style of little bunnies in bonnets either. Also, the stuff about her friend not working fast enough or with enough interest worries me. Will she sap what energy I have and all for nothing as she doesn’t really seem to have a publishing track record.
Maybe I’m being an miserable old bastard again. It is an opportunity ----- well, potentially anyway …………..
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Where am I going ??
I had such a miserable day yesterday: passed now ... the grey sky, the boredom of my routine just got to me and then I had a curious moment in the day.
I am trying to sort out a lot of stuff and papers from when I still went to work. Amongst my stuff I have a huge collection of books, postcards, articles, objects which I used to use for reminiscence work with older people. I used to organise and develop projects, run training courses. It was something I felt passionate about and I loved and then, a few years back the sparkle just went out of it for me.
I guess I was just burnt out and when my father died from Alzheimer's I somehow felt a door had closed. If I'm honest there was probably a part of me that needed to do that work in order to feel some control over what was happening to my Dad , although I started doing that type of work when it was very new and quite innovative and long, long before any of us had an inkling that dad was ill. Anyway, I found all this stuff and knew it was time to get rid of most if not all of it ---- it really is something I'm over and don't want to do anymore but I've clung on to the stuff because
(a) I don't know what to replace it with --- it is such a huge part of who I was before I was ill and I invested so much time and effort and love into it and
(b) because, what the hell else will I do ?? what work can I do ? --- locally, I was known as The Reminiscence Person.
I took a big breath and waded in and sorted ---- some stuff I did keep because it was really personal and some because it might be useful for the kids' school work but I did manage to fill two huge boxes with all sorts of resources. Now what to do with it ??
I decided to see if I could pass it on to anyone who would make really good use of it and asked my partner to advertise it on the Council website. I was amazed ---- the response was overwhelming --- so many calls. At one point I thought I was mad not to go back to that area of work --- there's obviously a crying need, interest and I was good at it --- and I could make a living again. I nearly fell for it; nearly went back on my promise to only do what I feel is right NOW.........luckily I hung on and let the stuff go, but God it feels frightening. Will I be good at anything else ? Will I ever be able to make a living again ???
I am trying to sort out a lot of stuff and papers from when I still went to work. Amongst my stuff I have a huge collection of books, postcards, articles, objects which I used to use for reminiscence work with older people. I used to organise and develop projects, run training courses. It was something I felt passionate about and I loved and then, a few years back the sparkle just went out of it for me.
I guess I was just burnt out and when my father died from Alzheimer's I somehow felt a door had closed. If I'm honest there was probably a part of me that needed to do that work in order to feel some control over what was happening to my Dad , although I started doing that type of work when it was very new and quite innovative and long, long before any of us had an inkling that dad was ill. Anyway, I found all this stuff and knew it was time to get rid of most if not all of it ---- it really is something I'm over and don't want to do anymore but I've clung on to the stuff because
(a) I don't know what to replace it with --- it is such a huge part of who I was before I was ill and I invested so much time and effort and love into it and
(b) because, what the hell else will I do ?? what work can I do ? --- locally, I was known as The Reminiscence Person.
I took a big breath and waded in and sorted ---- some stuff I did keep because it was really personal and some because it might be useful for the kids' school work but I did manage to fill two huge boxes with all sorts of resources. Now what to do with it ??
I decided to see if I could pass it on to anyone who would make really good use of it and asked my partner to advertise it on the Council website. I was amazed ---- the response was overwhelming --- so many calls. At one point I thought I was mad not to go back to that area of work --- there's obviously a crying need, interest and I was good at it --- and I could make a living again. I nearly fell for it; nearly went back on my promise to only do what I feel is right NOW.........luckily I hung on and let the stuff go, but God it feels frightening. Will I be good at anything else ? Will I ever be able to make a living again ???
Monday, January 10, 2005
Lost in disappoinments from a bygone era
It's no good .....I can't ignore this wretched condition of CFS. I had quite a good w/e ...tired (as usual) but still took my daughter to a 'Bring 'n' Buy' to raise monies for the Tsunami Appeal and later, at night, we took my imaginary dog for a walk (more about that another time). Today I'm shattered. I spent much of yesterday getting stuff ready for the week --- school clothes, tidying, food etc and now I have a little time for me I haven't got any go ---my fault and when will I ever learn ? It's such a familair story for me and yet I keep on doing it. Is it displacement so I don't have to face my own lack of direction ? Sometimes I feel like I'm just being tossed about in a sea of respnsibility and oughts that belong to other people and their needs and somehow I can't grab a piece of flotsam or jetsum on whcih to cling for survival: not a very sensitive analogy/metaphor at this point in the World but it does seem the most apt
The point is that I love my kids so much that I spend a good deal of time making sure they're OK and days like Saturday at the fayre with daughter are so lovely because she really is a delightful soul and so full of beans and enthusiasm. It makes the amount of energy I have to expend worth it at the time but irritatingly impinges on my free time. Even so, the children are my most important act of creativity ----- all the years at Art School pale in comparison.
Talking of which....I havent been sleeping well this weekend. Had days when everything and anything reminds me of my parents who are both dead now --- my Mum only died a few months back . Anyroadup....I ended up watching late night TV and saw a really interesting prog. about the Art Schools of the '60s and how influential they were on so many aspects of popular culture. Took me back to my childhood in the 60s which, in one way I'm so grateful for (a) because I had great parents and a lovely childhood and (b) because the 60s were a great time to be a kid with so much optimisim and so many resources about. I loved the whole look of everything then(still do) and loved flower power, the abundant resources, the air of revolution, the air of people striving to make a difference and make things better and the idea that anything was possible ---a childlike idea at a time when I was a child. The downside is that come the 70s and the time when I left school, so much of that optimism had waned and the opportunties were much more limited. I had so many friends who went to Uni on the promise of a great job at the end of it and came out to nothing for a long time. It has left a sense of mistrust and cyncism in me that has never really gone away. Maybe I'm just a miserable bastard or maybe I took the 60s ideals to heart too willingly (heh I was only 9 or 10 at the time) but the world just hasn't matched up to what was promised...............
The point is that I love my kids so much that I spend a good deal of time making sure they're OK and days like Saturday at the fayre with daughter are so lovely because she really is a delightful soul and so full of beans and enthusiasm. It makes the amount of energy I have to expend worth it at the time but irritatingly impinges on my free time. Even so, the children are my most important act of creativity ----- all the years at Art School pale in comparison.
Talking of which....I havent been sleeping well this weekend. Had days when everything and anything reminds me of my parents who are both dead now --- my Mum only died a few months back . Anyroadup....I ended up watching late night TV and saw a really interesting prog. about the Art Schools of the '60s and how influential they were on so many aspects of popular culture. Took me back to my childhood in the 60s which, in one way I'm so grateful for (a) because I had great parents and a lovely childhood and (b) because the 60s were a great time to be a kid with so much optimisim and so many resources about. I loved the whole look of everything then(still do) and loved flower power, the abundant resources, the air of revolution, the air of people striving to make a difference and make things better and the idea that anything was possible ---a childlike idea at a time when I was a child. The downside is that come the 70s and the time when I left school, so much of that optimism had waned and the opportunties were much more limited. I had so many friends who went to Uni on the promise of a great job at the end of it and came out to nothing for a long time. It has left a sense of mistrust and cyncism in me that has never really gone away. Maybe I'm just a miserable bastard or maybe I took the 60s ideals to heart too willingly (heh I was only 9 or 10 at the time) but the world just hasn't matched up to what was promised...............
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Another successful step and the cuckoo raises its ugly head and backside
I promised myself that this year I would really try to move forward and do at least one creative thing very day and make at least one new step every week. This is harder than you'd think given that I have CFS and also have to try and manouevre my life around the peaks and troughs of energy and looking after my partner's needs and those of our two children.
The littlies have just returned to school after the Xmas break and I'm trying really hard not to fall back into the trap of doing nothing but 'house stuff' --- cleaning, washing, shopping, cooking, arranging, timetabling, tidying and then spending what time is left recovering so I have the energy to look after them all when they return home.
So far so good ...... I did a bit of rescuing ~ which is my way in life ~ (my partner felt ill this morning so I took my daughter to school and then went and did the shopping and then came home and cleaned and tidied) but I have also finished working on the image for this blog, downloaded the necessary progs. and uploaded the image onto to blog as well as typing this and uploading it. I almost feel smug !! All I have to do now is try to finish playing with this new toy and go and have a sleep so I have enough energy to go and collect my daughter, make her tea and take her to Rainbows ....how did I ever find time to do all that stuff when I was also ayt work before I became ill ??? ............maybe that's what I helped to make me ill.
I had promised myself that I wouldn't mention the CFS on this blog and here it is creeping and seeping in already. I guess I just have to accept the fact that it's so much a part of my life that it has to come in somewhere. It's like a giant cuckoo that waggles its great big bum and makes itself comfortable wherever I take the dog basket of my life --- you know how dogs do that circle before they settle and then when they settle down they sort of nestle in with th'ole backside ...well that's CFS: an unwanted visitor, a flatulent uncle who stays too long, an over chatty auntie who won't SHUT UP . Ho Hum ...maybe if I don't look out the corner of my eye the CFS beast won't realise I realise it's there and I can pretend that life can go on as it does for other people. Whatever happens I won't let it become my life and I won't become a walking label either.
Rant over: time for my own nest where I can snuggle in and get down with the sleep sprites. I hope I get a chance to add some more tomorrow....................
The littlies have just returned to school after the Xmas break and I'm trying really hard not to fall back into the trap of doing nothing but 'house stuff' --- cleaning, washing, shopping, cooking, arranging, timetabling, tidying and then spending what time is left recovering so I have the energy to look after them all when they return home.
So far so good ...... I did a bit of rescuing ~ which is my way in life ~ (my partner felt ill this morning so I took my daughter to school and then went and did the shopping and then came home and cleaned and tidied) but I have also finished working on the image for this blog, downloaded the necessary progs. and uploaded the image onto to blog as well as typing this and uploading it. I almost feel smug !! All I have to do now is try to finish playing with this new toy and go and have a sleep so I have enough energy to go and collect my daughter, make her tea and take her to Rainbows ....how did I ever find time to do all that stuff when I was also ayt work before I became ill ??? ............maybe that's what I helped to make me ill.
I had promised myself that I wouldn't mention the CFS on this blog and here it is creeping and seeping in already. I guess I just have to accept the fact that it's so much a part of my life that it has to come in somewhere. It's like a giant cuckoo that waggles its great big bum and makes itself comfortable wherever I take the dog basket of my life --- you know how dogs do that circle before they settle and then when they settle down they sort of nestle in with th'ole backside ...well that's CFS: an unwanted visitor, a flatulent uncle who stays too long, an over chatty auntie who won't SHUT UP . Ho Hum ...maybe if I don't look out the corner of my eye the CFS beast won't realise I realise it's there and I can pretend that life can go on as it does for other people. Whatever happens I won't let it become my life and I won't become a walking label either.
Rant over: time for my own nest where I can snuggle in and get down with the sleep sprites. I hope I get a chance to add some more tomorrow....................
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
The Beginning
This is scary...........my first wend onto the path of blogging and yet having been inspired by other blogs and gained a certain amount of succour I feel it might be the right thing for me........a way to look at myself and see what I can make of this journey, this life that seems to have become so complicated over the past few years. How much shall I say..? How much shall I 'give away'...? I seem gregarious but inside I'm very private so what on earth am I doing spilling my beans to GodKnowsWho...? A chance to see if there's anyone out there really who thinks they might have any connection with my ideas and experiences. God knows I need to find some way of maintaining my own existence. Maybe I'm doing this to prove or confirm I still exist .... after years of giving and spreading myself to all and sundry I've lost my way and my way is hampered by ill health and committment ....big word that committment and I'm not even sure I have spelt it right !!
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