I got a real flashback/pang yesterday...first in a long time: waiting for my daughter to come out from after school club.
All the other parents waiting in their cars and a beautiful Spring evening. I'd had a very rough day...a lot of pain, digetsive problems, fatigue..spent an hour on bed in afternoon with TENS machine.
I looked at the other parents and thought...
'they're all normal (actually they may not be !)...they're all normal and have had normal days just getting on with stuff...been to work, been to the shops etc etc...I remember that and it's so long ago'
...and then immediately I got a flashback to when this really started in earnest: a day when I'd had a lieu day or afternoon off work and collected my daughter early from nursery .
I'd decided to take her to the seaside ..about 20 miles ...for an ice cream and a toddle by the sea. We got there, with me feeling jaded, and she didn't want to walk/toddle so I got the buggy from out of the car and pushed her a little way by the sea to her favourite spot where there's a rock garden.
I had to sit down ...winded, exhausted. I remember thinking,
'Oh God I've got to push her back to the car and drive home. I can't do it...I haven't got the energy....there's nothing there.'
Of course I had to...we had to get home.
She was about 18 months and I put on the jolly face as we licked our ice creams. I was terrified that my exhaustion and fear would show in my face. I somehow pushed her back to the car, changed her nappy, loaded the buugy and drove home...I knew something was really wrong. I collapsed washing up later....trying to act as if nothing was wrong, that it would all go away.
...and in the meantime I've been at home a lot, watching my career go down the pan, my life disintegrate, my daughter grow to a teenager, watching the other parents progress, get on with ordinary things that they take for granted....and I'm still in the same spot...watching every move, fearful, wondering if I can make it from my metaphorical seat in a rock garden to a car that could take me away from all this
