Music For A Found Harmonium

Oooohh I love this

Wot I dun on my 'oleedays

Here I am again ! Cooeeeeee! Over here..the one with the slightly askew demeanour and slightly careworn appearance. That's what a 7 week school holiday break can do for you. Yes that is correct dear reader: I did say SEVEN weeks. Much as I love my children, seven weeks is a long time to fill and seems longer when you're not particularly chipper. There were ups and there were downs and at times it was a real struggle but I'm still here and ready for another day.

We made cakes, we decorated furniture, we went to fetes, we helped at fetes, we bought a lovely swing seat and we avoided, cursed and annihilated a lot of wasps (what good are they ?? ..hateful beasts). I managed to make it to two of the four wedding receptions to which we were invited and we had friends round for Sunday lunch.

I also cursed this wretched illness, cried and swore because I couldn't do many of the other things I longed to do with the children and never made it to the seaside which is only 15 miles away.

I did manage to get to the doctors to verify that I am not diabetic (though it is borderline), got my eyes tested and had a crown fall off whilst chewing a vitamin --- s*d's law ! These might seem small things to many people but they were on a list of things to do and at least I achieved them. You have to look at the positives.

And now we're back to the old routine with children at school, partner at work some days and me trying hard not to give into feelings of ill health and unsteadiness so that I can do the things that need doing and do some things which bring pleasure.

I've realised that since the relapse at the beginning of the year I have taken quite a downturn and lost confidence. Some of the feelings of ill health are in fact feelings of anxiety: fear of what will happen when I try to do something simple like going to buy a pint of milk at our local store (a five minute drive). These are not panic attacks but simple fear about what will happen based on other real incidents when I've felt genuinely faint or sick or giddy. I have to overcome these feelings or I shall sink further into the mire. I just can't do that.

My doctor is still pushing me to take the anti-depressants. I still hesitate. I have been trying everything I can to avoid taking them: will power, herbal stuff, EFT, positive affirmations, homeopathy. I am doing more and I am winning but it's a real struggle and I sense that I am weaker than I was before the relapse but I will not be beaten.

There have been other aspects of self-discovery but that will have to wait for another post.

For now I battle on and I'm trying to re-establish some kind of routine so I am more involved with the day-to-day e.g I had had to give up collecting my daughter from school but now I go however I feel. I'm hoping that gradually I shall get back to where I was a year ago. That wasn't exactly Olympian athlete standard (ha! ha! ) but I was more out in the world and less fearful of how I'd be from day to day because there was more constancy.

The past few months have been more of a roller coaster; having no idea how I'll be from day to day or even within a day. I have to admit that the uncertainty and extremes have got me down of late...and watching my partner and children being able to go off and do things I cannot this summer has really brought home to me how much I miss.

Maybe that was a good point about the Sertraline: that it 'took the edge off' as my GP said and I didn't realise the reality or severity of what was going on.

I do now.

Do I want to ? I don't know really but having now known it I cannot un-know it and even with Sertraline the knowledge will not evaporate.

I'm stuck and I'm sick of the struggle but I will come out of it....eventually.


In the meantime enjoy this lovely Gigliola Cinquetti song ' I Have Too Tender a Heart'.
Sometimes it feels just like that