Stevie Wonder-Never dreamed you'd leave in summer

Not much time or energy to post in the summer holidays but I do have time to share some of my favourite songs.

I've loved this Steveie Wonder track for years. I used to have it on an old Stevie compilation album in the 70s and played it repeatedly.

I was reminded of this song because Stevie Wonder sang it at Michael Jackson's Memorial and even though I watched the whole 'circus' of Jackson's funeral with cycnicism, watching Stevie struggling to get through such a poignant song at what was, for him, a very emotional situation, brought a lump to my throat.

Gladys Kinight and the Pips: Walk in my shoes

Time for a lighter post. Sad sentiments in the song but my oh my what a voice Gladys Knight has and what passion! I can never listen to this just once.

'It's all we've got' he says.

Why is it that there seem to be so few doctors who will a) look at the whole picture b) enable patients to try treatments other than those which they (the doctors) specifically agree with ?

These questions and others are the result of the first appointment I have had with my GP for eight months.

As I've said before he is a lovely chap: quiet, sensitive, (appears to be) listening, calm and friendly BUT he is not pro-active.

In all honesty I only went to see him because my Pensions Company have sent me the usual 6 monthly 'greeting card' asking how I'm getting on, will I return to work soon ? have I done any trampolining/ sky diving/ pot-holing ? do I intend to make a trip anytime soon to any part of Africa on a mercy mission for a charity and transporting myself there on a unicycle ? The answer to all the above is, of course, 'No.....I have not , cannot and its very unlikely I shall be involved in any such activities for the foreseeable future.' Still they have to ask and then when they have asked they double check that I'm not capable of work etc. etc. by asking my GP and asking him to complete another form --- which, if I ask ever so nicely, I can see before he sends it off....so I do because I want to know what's being said about me. Except that for the past 7 or 8 months I haven't bothered to see him because he's ineffectual and in the past 6 months I've felt like death so haven't been able to get to the surgery: all our conversations have been by phone. Every symptom I've had has been put down to M.E. or fatigue or anxiety.

Four days ago I finally went to see him and the form. I felt like death warmed up but I had to go no matter what (the form was going to be sent off the next day whatever happened). The form was fine(ish) ..he hates them as much as me and puts as little information as possible. The meeting was warm and friendly as usual but nothing ever shifts. We never move beyond the third place on the game's board. That's why I rarely see him. It's like a stale relationship where there's nothing left to say.

I went through the past 6 months -- so he knew what its really been like and can put it on the form --- and told him all the gory details. I asked him about the recommendations of Dr Myhill (B12 injections, more thyroid tests), the hypoglycemia ---which he insists is not hypoglycemia but fatigue and weakness --- the upset stomach and about all the talk about M.E. maybe being related to health of the gut and the place of probiotics.

Everything was met with a negative response: 'No', 'It's not been proven', 'etc. etc..
All I was offered was SSRIs (anti-depressants) - the same ones I weaned myself off last year.
I was offered (and reluctanatly accepted) them eight years ago and I'm being offered them again now because they apparently help with IBS, sleep patterns, anxiety: so not especially because of any depression. Although it has to be said that after the past 6 months I've got a bloody right o be depressed ---well more pissed off really and angry and frustrated. Still the pills are his answer --- to everything.

'It's all we've got' he says.

It's all we've got. Is it ? What about all the other stuff I just mentioned that you've just dismissed ? What about taking a chance to see if any of them might make me a bit better. I can't access any of those treatments without a GP's agreement so I'm stuck ......and I'm sick of it.

The last six months have been a total wash out. I'm nearly as far back as I was eight years ago.
Every day is a struggle and when I try to get out and about it's hell. Every trip, every journey is torture because moving and traveling is so hard for me. My memory is shot. My ability to talk for any length of time, to be creative (even if it's only bloody sock monkeys and fairy cakes) is gone and the blood sugar problems , orthostatic intolerance, fatigue, problems with sight and hearing continue and I'm sick of it. I'm even too unwell to get to my Reiki healer or to the osteopath. I've given up so much these past eight years and spent so much money on vitamins, herbs, consultations and I'm still stuck here ploughing on with no real medical support. It's all hit and miss.

Maybe the slow decline over the past nine months is down to lack of Sertraline. Maybe if I start taking them again it'll all come right (yeah right !!!) or maybe it's coincidence and I'll stay the same as I am until fate decides I should get a bit better and then I'll be on bloody anti-depressants as well.......but what other option do I have when there are no other doctors about who have a more adventurous approach. I've asked around about other GPs in the practice and other surgeries too and nobody knows of anyone better. So it's better the devil.......and I fell I should just roll over and take the tablets like a good patient. Maybe he's right


In the meantime there is talk that there is a specific probiotic which may be very helpful to people with M.E. (see links in last post) : only available in America but, as it's my birthday soon, I have decided to spend $77 on myself and have some shipped over in the hope that it may move things on a tad.

Any port in a storm

M.E. Haiku

Fly in a glass jar
Always looking at the world
E'er at one remove

I decided not to bother with the test. As it turned out my computer went wrong and then the printer; meaning that first I couldn't receive the email with the order form and then when I could I couldn't print it off. Sometimes these things are meant to be.

In the meantime, other people had ordered, received and taken their tests and many had ordered two so that they could take one and give the other to their 'control' who was healthy. Often the results came out exactly the same e.g. the woman who is severely affected and her husband who is a mad-fit sportsman who can cycle 100 miles in a day. I thought 'I shan't bother' --- mind you that's becoming a running theme at the moment if I'm not careful: too many hills to climb.

On the bright side I've saved myself €15/£13. Also, there is still interesting research and talk about possible connections between M.E. (and other conditions) and the state of the intestinal flora. You might like to have a look at this and this if that's your bag.

I might try to get hold of the recommended probiotics and see if it helps: any port in a storm.