Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Sunday, June 26, 2005
New life blossoms and nourishes
Partner and children have gone away for a few days. I was to have gone too but the holiday was booked before we had Tiffin and none of us had the heart to leave him in kennels or with someone else whilst we all went away. It’s only 5 weeks since his original owner died and the poor old dog would’ve wondered what on earth was happening if we all disappeared.
As it is, it has been quite nice to be alone with Tiffin. At first it was hard to let the children and partner go; especially when my daughter howled as the train left and wanted me to come too, but Tiffin and I have gotten along really well and I’ve discovered that he likes a cup of tea (one sugar).
Yesterday I was weeding a bit of the back garden and then went to do something with the chickens. Normally I am only with the chickens for a few minutes --- with Tiffin on the other side of the fence ---but yesterday I was longer. Tiffin got rather cross and seemed to feel left out – like when a child feels you’ve spent too much time and attention on a sibling. He let go one of his lovely barks –it’s not yappy but a sort of questioning, throaty ‘wrooafff !’ He looked through the slats of the fence so pleadingly.
Later I was sitting on the bench under the apple trees with Tiffin having a cup of tea. I noticed that the rose bush we planted above the grave of our first dog, Dory, had come into bloom.As one life ends another begins.
Dory nourishes the rose and Tiffin nourishes me.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Hector
On Sunday my daughter found this tiny bird……..there was no nest nearby we could pop him back into and so we took him inside and tried to keep him alive.
Sadly he died yesterday (Monday afternoon) despite out best efforts. We called him Hector and I’ve buried him in the garden.
Watching this poor little mite fighting for life really made me aware again of the fragility of existence. The past ten years have seen me witness the birth of two children, countless animals and the deaths of many people I love and care about.
Watching this little fella on his cotton wool in a plastic berry box reminded me of watching one of our children in the intensive care baby unit after birth…..lying on some stuff similar to cotton wool and inside a clear plastic crib.
For me its been a too busy period and I have caught a virus which is making feel decidely shaky. The slightest bug can make my keel very uneven with the wretched CFS always running in the background. However, seeing Hector struggle to survive and trying to help him reminds me how I have to keep on trying even when I feel like giving up.
Sadly he died yesterday (Monday afternoon) despite out best efforts. We called him Hector and I’ve buried him in the garden.
Watching this poor little mite fighting for life really made me aware again of the fragility of existence. The past ten years have seen me witness the birth of two children, countless animals and the deaths of many people I love and care about.
Watching this little fella on his cotton wool in a plastic berry box reminded me of watching one of our children in the intensive care baby unit after birth…..lying on some stuff similar to cotton wool and inside a clear plastic crib.
For me its been a too busy period and I have caught a virus which is making feel decidely shaky. The slightest bug can make my keel very uneven with the wretched CFS always running in the background. However, seeing Hector struggle to survive and trying to help him reminds me how I have to keep on trying even when I feel like giving up.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Another picture of Tiffin
Tiffin is turning out to be such a sweetheart: gentle, forgiving, restful.
What a lovely picture of peace
What a lovely picture of peace
Monday, June 06, 2005
Time for Tiffin
We had a Jack Russell cross called Dory (after Dory Previn) for many years and she was a darling. . Two and a half years ago she died aged 16 years Though we loved her dearly she was a typical JRT --- in that she was naughty, always ‘on’ and never really rested. She was a real comedian and always up to mischief.
In my present state of health there is no way I can cope with the JRT temperament. Its too busy and boisterous, but for many years I have hankered after a whippet.
The first whippet I ever met was whilst taking Dory out. That whippet was called Suzy and ever since then I’ve been in love with their shape, elegance and quiet demeanour.
For the last year I have been looking for an old whippet –one that’s as tired and old as me ! At last we’ve found each other and it’s time for Tiffin !
He’s an almost nine year old dog whose owner dies about 3 weeks ago. He had another name but it just seemed wrong so we’ve rechristened him and he doesn’t seem to mind at all. He came here with us two days ago and it’s like he’s always been here.
I really hope we can do him justice and that his last owner is looking down and approving.
In my present state of health there is no way I can cope with the JRT temperament. Its too busy and boisterous, but for many years I have hankered after a whippet.
The first whippet I ever met was whilst taking Dory out. That whippet was called Suzy and ever since then I’ve been in love with their shape, elegance and quiet demeanour.
For the last year I have been looking for an old whippet –one that’s as tired and old as me ! At last we’ve found each other and it’s time for Tiffin !
He’s an almost nine year old dog whose owner dies about 3 weeks ago. He had another name but it just seemed wrong so we’ve rechristened him and he doesn’t seem to mind at all. He came here with us two days ago and it’s like he’s always been here.
I really hope we can do him justice and that his last owner is looking down and approving.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Campers had a makeover
.........and the van has been resprayed.
She’s no longer Ruby Tuesday but a sort of glowing yellow --- now renamed Glodene (Any Barry White aficionados will appreciate this name change thoughI ‘m not sure Bazza Lurvegod ever had a camper van He was too butch to be camp if you get my drift.)
Glodene’s two tone yellow with a white roof and now has orange seats with green patterns on and the interior has been painted pale green too. She feels very filthy/gorgeous to use the modern vernacular.
She’s no longer Ruby Tuesday but a sort of glowing yellow --- now renamed Glodene (Any Barry White aficionados will appreciate this name change thoughI ‘m not sure Bazza Lurvegod ever had a camper van He was too butch to be camp if you get my drift.)
Glodene’s two tone yellow with a white roof and now has orange seats with green patterns on and the interior has been painted pale green too. She feels very filthy/gorgeous to use the modern vernacular.
Wildlife
Having mentioned the chickens I thought it might be apt to actually upload some pictures of them. We just had a new chicken house delivered. You can see Snowbell surveying her new residence. She must approve because she laid an egg in there shortly after this was taken.
There are also our two rabbits: Suzy and Percy. Suzy is a Desperate Housewife. She’s the Edie of the animal run: desperate for a bit of the other but nothing doing. Percy had been ‘done’ and simply cannot understand her advances. He’s more interested in grass, sunshine and any lettuce that might come his way.
There are also our two rabbits: Suzy and Percy. Suzy is a Desperate Housewife. She’s the Edie of the animal run: desperate for a bit of the other but nothing doing. Percy had been ‘done’ and simply cannot understand her advances. He’s more interested in grass, sunshine and any lettuce that might come his way.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Having promised myself I wont let this turn into an ME CFS blog what happens ? I only seem to get here when some crisis in health or something else has appeared.
So much has been happening and I should have been documenting it here but alas and alack the whole thing has slidden down the mountain as usual. I just cannot keep up with it all.
The Easter hols were just over the last time I got here and now half term is upon the horizon.
Much of my time has been taken up with dentistry. Actually I’m very proud of myself because I have found a new dentist much better than the last and had five fillings without incident or panic or anything BUT the anaesthetic seems to do me in – must be the chemicals and my CFS not reacting very well together. It takes 2 or 3 days to begin to feel OK again and by then the weekend is here and the time is filled up with ferrying children to swimming, parties, friends houses or sorting out domestic stuff.
There have been births and deaths. Our brood of chickens declined by one two weeks ago. I went down to the run and found poor Honey lying there with her little tootsies in the air ---- completely out of the blue. The next day having been in mourning for the poor old bird, I went down and Honey’s sister, Goldie and her chum Spike have produced 9 chicks and the next day Blackie and Coaltar have produced another six so we’re down one and up 15 ----25 chickens in all now. When I found the first chicks I was having a miserable day and the birth of those little things completely lifted me; made me think of the birth of our children. New life is always such a joy and a blessing.
For months I have been trying to find a new dog for us. Three years ago our dear old mutt, Dorothy, passed over after 16 years. She’s buried under the apple trees supplying the nutrients for a beautiful pink rose bush just above her little form. Last week I was having a cheerful but tired day and when I woke up my partner had ’borrowed’ a friend’s dog for the afternoon. This little tike is so naughty but so lovely. It was a joy to throw balls again and take her for a short walk in the fields behind our house and to have that nice doggy smell around again. I went to the Oldies dog site to see if there was a dog we might rescue http://www.oldies.org.uk and there was but sadly she has had to go to another home. She hated other dogs, cats, small animals. With our collection there’s no way we could have met her needs. I am determined to have another dog and if possible to have an old whippet. One will come to me when the time is right.
The most recent event is the death of my mother in law. She only passed three days ago. She had been ill for many years but even so the end was swift and a shock. She had Alzheimer’s like my father. She had been such a vital force: kind, funny, naughty, warm and welcoming and like a second mother to me. Though we hadn’t seen the ‘real her’ for many years it seems strange that she has really gone now and even stranger because now, neither my partner nor I have our parents ---all gone and we’re left here to be the grown ups and carry on the baton. It feels lonely and quite frightening. At least my partner has siblings to share time with and, whilst I have no blood relatives left at all, I do have her family to connect with and share memories.
So much has been happening and I should have been documenting it here but alas and alack the whole thing has slidden down the mountain as usual. I just cannot keep up with it all.
The Easter hols were just over the last time I got here and now half term is upon the horizon.
Much of my time has been taken up with dentistry. Actually I’m very proud of myself because I have found a new dentist much better than the last and had five fillings without incident or panic or anything BUT the anaesthetic seems to do me in – must be the chemicals and my CFS not reacting very well together. It takes 2 or 3 days to begin to feel OK again and by then the weekend is here and the time is filled up with ferrying children to swimming, parties, friends houses or sorting out domestic stuff.
There have been births and deaths. Our brood of chickens declined by one two weeks ago. I went down to the run and found poor Honey lying there with her little tootsies in the air ---- completely out of the blue. The next day having been in mourning for the poor old bird, I went down and Honey’s sister, Goldie and her chum Spike have produced 9 chicks and the next day Blackie and Coaltar have produced another six so we’re down one and up 15 ----25 chickens in all now. When I found the first chicks I was having a miserable day and the birth of those little things completely lifted me; made me think of the birth of our children. New life is always such a joy and a blessing.
For months I have been trying to find a new dog for us. Three years ago our dear old mutt, Dorothy, passed over after 16 years. She’s buried under the apple trees supplying the nutrients for a beautiful pink rose bush just above her little form. Last week I was having a cheerful but tired day and when I woke up my partner had ’borrowed’ a friend’s dog for the afternoon. This little tike is so naughty but so lovely. It was a joy to throw balls again and take her for a short walk in the fields behind our house and to have that nice doggy smell around again. I went to the Oldies dog site to see if there was a dog we might rescue http://www.oldies.org.uk and there was but sadly she has had to go to another home. She hated other dogs, cats, small animals. With our collection there’s no way we could have met her needs. I am determined to have another dog and if possible to have an old whippet. One will come to me when the time is right.
The most recent event is the death of my mother in law. She only passed three days ago. She had been ill for many years but even so the end was swift and a shock. She had Alzheimer’s like my father. She had been such a vital force: kind, funny, naughty, warm and welcoming and like a second mother to me. Though we hadn’t seen the ‘real her’ for many years it seems strange that she has really gone now and even stranger because now, neither my partner nor I have our parents ---all gone and we’re left here to be the grown ups and carry on the baton. It feels lonely and quite frightening. At least my partner has siblings to share time with and, whilst I have no blood relatives left at all, I do have her family to connect with and share memories.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
A good old moan to get it all off my chest
Well, I promised myself that this wouldn’t become a blog about chronic fatigue, but sometimes, it just so gets in the way that it’s impossible to ignore and impossible to mention.
The Easter holidays are over, the children are back at school and now I’m left to pick up the pieces. There is still all the clearing up to do after the bathroom was extended – I did some painting (of walls, doors, drainpipes) in the holidays but there’s still stuff to do and lots to catch up on.
None of this has been helped by the fact that my herbalist sent my tincture just before I ran out of this vital stuff and it was lost in the post. I had no tincture for two weeks and, if I ever had any doubts that this stuff was only working on a placebo/psychological level, they’ve all gone now: the combination of looking after the needs of two young children and no tincture has left me on my knees.
In addition to this my teeth have been playing up and I have to go to the dentist. I hate going – not because of the pain/discomfort but because it’s impossible to find a dentist who understands this condition and the way it ebbs and floes; the way it’s so difficult to cope with that level of dental/personal invasion when you feel tired and weak. I can’t cope with more than 15/20 minutes of treatment and yet when I say this, the dentist gets really shirty and uppity with me. What can I do ? What can I say ? If I could be ‘put out’ I would but the NHS dentists want to work as cheaply and quickly as possible and there’s no time to discuss or understand what’s going on for people as individuals ---not their fault but very frustrating for them and their patients.
It’s strange how quickly the body and mind forgets symptoms once they begin to diminish. Recently all sorts of stuff has re-emerged that I haven’t had for months: the feeling that my blood isn’t reaching my extremities, the dizziness, the tinnitus, the tiredness, the lack of focus, the IBS, the sickness. I’m so sick of all this and so sick of losing my energies to other people and having none left for myself. I will pick up and I will get better than this but it’s so frustrating. I love my children and partner dearly –they all mean the world to me and they cope with this wretched condition very well ----its does affect them too, after all, but I still feel so cross sometimes that my energies go on looking after them to the point where I’m really struggling. I could leave a lot more up to my partner, but I don’t want to become ‘the sick one’; I don’t want to become ‘a condition’. I want to contribute, to give, to care for and not to be cared for. It’s a real conundrum, though I have to say it’s nothing new. Whether I’ve been ill or well, I’ve spent my life trying to figure out the problem of how much of me to give to other people and how much to keep for myself. Sometimes I think I’ll never get it right.
I shouldn’t really be rabbiting on about all this, but this blog’s a space for me to let off steam so……………………………
Moan over………………………………………………………………
The Easter holidays are over, the children are back at school and now I’m left to pick up the pieces. There is still all the clearing up to do after the bathroom was extended – I did some painting (of walls, doors, drainpipes) in the holidays but there’s still stuff to do and lots to catch up on.
None of this has been helped by the fact that my herbalist sent my tincture just before I ran out of this vital stuff and it was lost in the post. I had no tincture for two weeks and, if I ever had any doubts that this stuff was only working on a placebo/psychological level, they’ve all gone now: the combination of looking after the needs of two young children and no tincture has left me on my knees.
In addition to this my teeth have been playing up and I have to go to the dentist. I hate going – not because of the pain/discomfort but because it’s impossible to find a dentist who understands this condition and the way it ebbs and floes; the way it’s so difficult to cope with that level of dental/personal invasion when you feel tired and weak. I can’t cope with more than 15/20 minutes of treatment and yet when I say this, the dentist gets really shirty and uppity with me. What can I do ? What can I say ? If I could be ‘put out’ I would but the NHS dentists want to work as cheaply and quickly as possible and there’s no time to discuss or understand what’s going on for people as individuals ---not their fault but very frustrating for them and their patients.
It’s strange how quickly the body and mind forgets symptoms once they begin to diminish. Recently all sorts of stuff has re-emerged that I haven’t had for months: the feeling that my blood isn’t reaching my extremities, the dizziness, the tinnitus, the tiredness, the lack of focus, the IBS, the sickness. I’m so sick of all this and so sick of losing my energies to other people and having none left for myself. I will pick up and I will get better than this but it’s so frustrating. I love my children and partner dearly –they all mean the world to me and they cope with this wretched condition very well ----its does affect them too, after all, but I still feel so cross sometimes that my energies go on looking after them to the point where I’m really struggling. I could leave a lot more up to my partner, but I don’t want to become ‘the sick one’; I don’t want to become ‘a condition’. I want to contribute, to give, to care for and not to be cared for. It’s a real conundrum, though I have to say it’s nothing new. Whether I’ve been ill or well, I’ve spent my life trying to figure out the problem of how much of me to give to other people and how much to keep for myself. Sometimes I think I’ll never get it right.
I shouldn’t really be rabbiting on about all this, but this blog’s a space for me to let off steam so……………………………
Moan over………………………………………………………………
Friday, March 25, 2005
Good Friday
Good Friday here and I don’t imagine I’ll get much chance to attend to my blog much for the next two weeks ---children on holiday.
Whilst I have this opportunity, I thought I’d note down some of the children’s funny slip ups: at the moment my daughter is singing a new Easter hymn she has learnt at school. She’s only six and gets the words slightly wrong. I’ve no idea what the real words are ___ it’s one of those ghastly new trendy hymns but the mistake is priceless:
‘Jesus isn’t dead anymore
He’s alive and he is lurking………’
Sounds a bit spooky to me
I remember when she was three she wanted to buy something for my birthday. She had been discussing what I might like with her Mum and came to the conclusion that I would like a ice new big back scrubbing brush. She went with her Mum to buy same. She marched right up to the counter in Boots and said ‘Have you got any scrubbers for my dad’s birthday ?’
(I don’t know about other parts of the world, but here in UK ‘scrubbers’ can be a colloquial term for a woman of easy virtue so you can imagine the look of surprise on the assistant’s face)
My dad was a teacher and one of his favourite children’s slip ups was a boy who knew the hymn ‘Gladly the Cross I’d Bear’ but this boy thought the hymn wasn’t about Jesus carrying the weight of the cross but about a bear with a lazy eye !
Whilst I have this opportunity, I thought I’d note down some of the children’s funny slip ups: at the moment my daughter is singing a new Easter hymn she has learnt at school. She’s only six and gets the words slightly wrong. I’ve no idea what the real words are ___ it’s one of those ghastly new trendy hymns but the mistake is priceless:
‘Jesus isn’t dead anymore
He’s alive and he is lurking………’
Sounds a bit spooky to me
I remember when she was three she wanted to buy something for my birthday. She had been discussing what I might like with her Mum and came to the conclusion that I would like a ice new big back scrubbing brush. She went with her Mum to buy same. She marched right up to the counter in Boots and said ‘Have you got any scrubbers for my dad’s birthday ?’
(I don’t know about other parts of the world, but here in UK ‘scrubbers’ can be a colloquial term for a woman of easy virtue so you can imagine the look of surprise on the assistant’s face)
My dad was a teacher and one of his favourite children’s slip ups was a boy who knew the hymn ‘Gladly the Cross I’d Bear’ but this boy thought the hymn wasn’t about Jesus carrying the weight of the cross but about a bear with a lazy eye !
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Yum Yum : Brownies recipe
I'm putting this recipe here because poor old Michael Nobbs (www.michaelnobbs.com) has been feeling a bit guilty about enjoying the sinful pleasures of some luxury junk.
Melt the butter and choc together.
Well, for all those poor souls who must suffer a gluten or wheat free diet, here's something that might hit the spot. If you've got CFS like me or some other dread disease you must know that this recipe comes with some health warnings i.e. it won't do you good healthwise, it won't cure your condition, BUT it will make you happy for a while and feel that you're eating ordinary and naughty stuff like 'normal people' and if you feel a bit yuck afterwards, well, just think of the pleasure you had while you scoffed them.
Actually although they have a load of sugar, the walnuts might do you some good and chocolate is a known aphrodsiac (if you have the energy for post prandial activity !!)
100g butter (or dairy free marg)
75g cooking chocolate
100g gluten free flour
3 eggs
100g chopped walnuts
200g sugar
1 tsp baking powder
Melt the butter and choc together.
Mix the flour, baking powder, sugar and nuts in a separate bowls
Beat in the eggs and follow that with the butter/choc mixture
Pour into a 6"x8" oiled and lined tin
Bake for 30 mins at 180 C, 350 F, Gas 4
Bake for 30 mins at 180 C, 350 F, Gas 4
Right ---done my bit for personkind now.......................................
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