I do believe there's something in the air about PWME, creativity and frustration. First 'Reading the Signs' regrets all the time she can't get out of her head: as in ~~~ being consumed by that delicious companion 'the new idea', the project, the things you're really excited about so that it lives with you, inside you beside you. Then Amanda bemoans the fact that '..... being low on energy .....I find myself flitting from one project to the next, doing easy things, trying different techniques instead of concentrating and making real decisions that need to be made.' And then there's little me sitting here in a rage, wasting energy on being cross, wasting time by bloody writing about being cross but only able to sit here because I'm so damned tired today.Weeks ago I was asked to make somethinng to celebrate a relative's wedding anniversary. I'm happy to do it, Want to do it. It has taken weeks to form the ideas ( in dribs and drabs) and weeks to acquire the necessary materials ( I'm into assemblage at the moment and I have had to trail about looking here and there and everywhere for the objects I see in my imagination).
I have less than two weeks to get this piece finished and now I'm so tired I can hardly muster the energy to sit and drink a cup of tea. And why am I so tired you ask ? Well, because there was a constant stream of people here all Friday and all over the weekend ---friends of ours, friends of the kids and they wanted feeding and amusing and good conversation. They expect me to be witty and jolly and somehow, virtually however I'm feeling, I turn it on as best I can --- so that I don't have to show how I really am. The aftermath is that everyone goes back to work, back to school and I'm left with the clearing up: not because partner doesn't share the burden, not because I cannot or do not delegate but just because they have other stuff to do --- earning money, learning, playing, socialising, making decisions and I am here. Here. Always here.
I know I should ignore it. I know I should postpone it. BUT I cannot work on anything unless the place is reasonably (and yes I do mean reasonably) clean and tidy ---- the kids are fed and have clean clothes, the dog is happy (he's not well at the moment), and the place is straight.
It's a fault, a stupidity but I just cannot help it. I have to know that everyone is looked after before I can indulge my creativity. I once said to my GP that I know I'm daft because I am always giving my energy away to other people. He looked completely mystified. He hadn't the faintest idea what I meant. Of course he does it every day in helping people to get well but he's paid --- so maybe it's different. He doesn't have the lack of energy and his work is IMPORTANT, whereas mine is domestic.
This is one of the reasons that my creative endeavours are awry. It's all dribs and drabs and no conserted effort and in part it's my fault. I'm so cross I could burst, but anger is negative energy --well it can be -- can also be a spur to getting on but, of course, I don't have the physical 'go' to get on.
Caught in a web..........................................
8 comments:
But that web is so beautiful, cusp! I almost feel like being caught in it. Not at all like the web in a corner of a dark attic or cellar - where we don't want to go, always try not to go.
Well, that's true and it's one of the photos I took as part of my mission to at least try to capture some images. I did try to find a deeply dark web with some poor creature ensnared but I got too tired to look any more so I just added one of my own photographs.
I agree with Signs, lovely web. I'm finding that my photos are all rubbish at the mo. Can't take a decent pic of a violet, camera constantly seems to focus on the flowers just behind the one I'm trying to take.
And I can't see that at the time as would need to have glasses on but can't carry them out as am carrying camera. Sometimes boat language is useful, I was told "One (hand) for the boat, and one for yourself". Time to get another one of those things you hang round yer neck with loops for glasses to attach to).
I'm so glad the sun is shining.
hey cusp, just to say, at your behest, i have glimpsed your dog Tiffin, he looks very sweet, and although i am a cat person, i do have a soft spot for dogs, especially after helping take care of this wee animal one summer.
the creativity posts are interesting, my experience is a little different, i was not at all creative before getting ill, was very academic though, i could not sustain that obviously and ten years after the onset of ME, is when i began to find a writing voice, so in my case the illness has enhanced creativity rather than dampening it. but i was also so young (19) so my pre-illness self was maybe less developed...i hardly even know anymore who i was back then!
Hi Maggie, Glad you like the picture. We get great cobby-web here in Suffolk in the autumn. Keep going with the photos --I think some of yours are lovely and I love the new banner on your blog.
Hi NMJ. Glad you like my old pal Tiffin --- he's a rescue too but he's turned out to be a sweetheart and everybody loves him (that bit wasn't an exaggeration.) When I take him to meet my daughter from school and have to tie him up at the gates for a few mins. I come back and he's surrounded by kids and Mums giving him cuddles. Your rescue looks adorable. How could you bear to part with him ---was there a bit of lurcher in there somewhere ?
How extraordinary that creativity has kind of been a saving grace for you. Do you miss the academic side of things or has the writing made up ? Certainly, I miss the serious discussions at work (when I was an Arts & Disbaility Development Officer) as much as being able to sink my teeth into creative stuff. Anyway, your writing is witty and has an exacting zest about it, so Academia's loss is writing's gain and when your novel is published more people will be able to appreciate it.
Caravan gets fantastic spiders and webs... But I prefer them outside or in the Shed. Plus we get jumping spiders too, which are sort of fun for me (am only mildly arachnophobic) but sheer Hell for daughter (one of the most arachnophobic people you are ever likely to meet, along with son-in law - don't know how they manage if get a spider in the house, as neither is going to want to get near it!).
Thanks for kind words about my new banner. It's rather fuzzy I'm afraid, but difficult at that time of evening when shooting from a car! Hopefully I'll get an improved model at some stage, we're driving over to visit my parents rather often at the mo. Well, John is, I'm not up to it in the evenings, and weekends seem to be really difficult at the mo for some reason. I think I'm still just plain exhausted from the Case Conference for Dad and all the travelling over 4 days. Even thought that's 2 weeks ago now. Seems to take forever to recover from serious over-exertion, but at the time there really was no choice.
Best wishes from windy Liverpool
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