Oh dear, I feel almost ashamed of my last post: what a rant ! The frustration was bubbling over but I'm calmer now. Finally I got to make some work and immediately I felt better. Sometimes I forget how good it feels and how much good it does me to just escape to my studio and be creative again. In the early years of this blessed illness I used to try and then feel so ill I'd have to give up.....and eventually I did give up and the studio became a dusty dumping ground for all the junk we didn't want in the house.
Somehow I have slipped again into the role of keeping the many home-based things going and forgetting myself. It was ever thus........my whole life has been a struggle between doing what I want and feeling a terrible need to look after other people first: to put their needs before my own. Even the decision to go into Disability Arts was partly because I could assuage the guilt I felt at being so indulgent as to 'just make art'. The decision was financial too but was still grounded in guilt. Now I am in a position where I can't work anyway and have more time to 'just make art' and still don't because it feels easier to do the house stuff.
Amanda has some wry observations on the discussions that have been going on here and elsewhere (RTS) about managing creativity and a chronic condition and in the end it is all balance. It's no good turning into a professional sufferer (how insufferable) but about making time to go out and enjoy whatever and whenever we can. Amanda gets out and about and maintains her place on her course, RTS goes gallivanting at the Brighton Festival. I even went gallivanting myself this weekend and braved the repercussions by taking my daughter to her arts workshop in the gallery at the nearby Big Town. Usually I avoid it because it's so tiring but Saturday was a 's** it' day so I went anyway and thoroughly enjoyed the pottering round and people-watching I could achieve whilst daughter was making collages based around the new exhibition.
Some of the courage to do this ( and the courage to resurrect the blog) is down to the examples of other PWME who get on and do. Thank you to all of you for inspiring me to have more courage and more self assertion. I must go now and continue with my painting.................
5 comments:
Hello - just found you via Amanda Watson Will - imagine my delight to find me on your links list too - I am very happy to meet you. It is interesting to read about your life in progress - and I am looking forward to seeing your work develop - I wish you lots of luck with it :)
I think we all need to rant sometimes, it seems almost needed to get past the block and move on. If that makes sense.
Am between rants at the mo, but working on the next one! ;-)
John and I rant together at the TV quite a lot - the News and any political shows and we're raising blood pressure together. :-)
At present I don't have the energy to be creative, which is why the sock knitting is good, it's ultimately creative in that you end up with something new that you made, but using a recipe.
Feeling knackered but pleased today, as have disposed of one of the (many) piles on our bedroom floor. Still a long way to go to get it even half way tidy, but every little helps. It stops me thinking about things too. Too much to think about at the mo. so good to escape into a bit of decluttering. Or sock knitting too!
So happy to hear you are painting! :-) Hope that you will share your progress with us all.
Hugs from windy and cloudy Liverpool
Hi cusp, I've always made it a priority to do things that feed the soul or give me a break, even when children were young. I wouldn't have coped otherwise. Having a partner who supported this helped. Trying to "be creative" on your own at home when you are very low on strength and haven't done much for a while is hard - going to workshops/classes etc. can be a good because it's someone else's job to carry the space. Good to hear you are painting.
Oh yes Feltbug I've been lurking on your blog for a good while. When I was on Foundation (many, many moons ago)I had a real interest in textiles: even had an interview for Goldsmith's Embroidery course, but that interest sort of wained and I moved towards installation and performance. Even so, the textile thing has never gone away and so your work and the other stuff that you bring to our table inspires me. Thanks !
Hi Maggie. You're right dear. We do all need a rant but I just felt I shouldn't have vented quite so loudly on the blog. Never mind --- water under the bridge now. Keep knitting and either everyone in your family/circle will have a pair of socks or someONE else will have one big/long sock. How about making a sock monkey ? or you could knit me a pair: purple, red and green stripes please.
RTS: as ever, the sage word. You're right of course. I should feed the soul more but I just forget. I'm certainly not a martyr or thinking of myself as some saint. I just forget. I agree too that the workshop/classes idea is a good one. God knows I've organised and run enough of them in my life. The thing is that, because of that, when I have been to a workshop as a participant I feel as if I'm wearing the wrong shoes ... all cramped and inside out. I have tried to go but each time I've been thwarted --- got to one class and couldn't manage any more because of energy levels. Since I got ill this time I've won a bursary, been accepted on to two courses and signed up to and attended one class of three courses. Each time I've been sabotaged by 'Le Phantome fatigue' -- bastard !
I don't feel so bad at the mo, so maybe it's time to try again.
perhaps, cusp, it was not the right sort of workshop or the right sort of space - just a thought because when this happens it takes strength instead of supporting it. It can be difficult to find the right situation, I know.
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