Fear, foreboding, loathing and courage

After my last post I received an interesting post from the splendid Ana who paints the most beautiful images and also has an interest in dreams and myth.

I was thinking about the recurrent dreams of my life and, in particular the one I had as a child which, amongst other things, involved large machines. Ever since I have had a kind of fear, dread, almost phobia about large machinery. I can deal with it but I have to really steal myself to be near ships, diggers, planes, the sorts of machinery they exhibit in museums etc etc. They really unsettle me and fill me with a kind of foreboding.

A few weeks ago I was involved in quite a long discussion at Seats for Landing about the pros and cons of various, apparently miraculous cures for ME/CFS which involve retraining the way one views the possibility for recovery, action etc. This led to a discussion in my head about the extent to which fear and foreboding prevents PWME from moving on.

For my part I honesty believe that the mind and body are inextricably linked and that, whilst the symptoms of ME/CFS are biologically/physiologically/neuroligically based, there is a point at which the mind can enable one to move forward a little further. This is not always easy or possible, but there are times when I have believed, in all sincerity, that I feel too ill and too weak to do something and then, for one reason or another, have had to try and found it was possible after all.

I cannot believe that my mind alone will enable me to overcome my physical symptoms to the extent where I could once again work a 50 hour week, travelling the length and breadth of East Anglia, runnning workshops, leading training sessions, making new artwork but I am coming to a point where I think I have to challenge my own preconceptions about what is possible for me and look towards activities and challenges more positively.

I have no real conclusions to offer but just wanted to share my thoughts. When I look at other people with M.E. (or other disabled friends) who have achieved their dreams despite their condition, I look forward with hope. One such friend is the Dutch artist Corina Duyn. Another is Amanda and then there's Michael and Azirca, Signs and NMJ . They all hold fast to their creativity and hang on in.