Turning a corner

I've mentioned before that our eldest child is disabled. He has a variety of disabilities that affect his sight, mobility and he has learning disabilities too. All in all he is a lovely boy (and this opinion is not just my own bias) who has amazed us with his tenacity and positive outlook.

Yesterday I had a real peek through a new window. When he was born the outlook was very gloomy. Apart from the acute shock of our first born being disabled, there was a great deal of mystery about what exactly was wrong with him and why this had happened. There had been absolutely no warning during the pregnancy. The first few months were a blur of travel to this hospital, that consultant, this clinic, that 'Team'. Though we were both strong for him and for each other, for nearly three years I couldn't talk about the actual birth without breaking down in tears. The fact that both partner and I had worked with people with learning disabilities somehow made it all worse and better; worse because we knew (or thought we did) the reality of raising a disabled child and all the difficulties that brings and better because we knew the system and knew the ropes and, boy, does that make a difference. I cannot imagine what it must be like to suddenly deliver a disabled child and have no experience of that world at all.

Occasionally we would receive comments from well-meaning nurses and doctors about how our professional experience meant we'd be OK but this was different. This wasn't work. We couldn't pack up and walk away at 5.pm. and go home. This was our life and our baby's life. Our professional experience, in that sense made no difference at all

The details of all the ins and outs of bringing up our son may be for another time, but last night I collected him from his regular Monday Youth Club and suddenly I saw we had turned a corner. There he was, spinning the decks in the 'disco room' and coming out the booth to dance round with his friends, having a sneaky kiss from his current girlfriend. He was happy. He was healthy, accepted, had friends and was confident. He was contributing to that circle of people and part of a community. He was wanted and appreciated. Suddenly, for a moment, all the hard work came together and all the concerns for his future evaporated and he was just a young boy enjoying himself with no self-conscious dilemmas or fears.

I'll treasure that moment as I treasure all the others in his sweet life. Despite all the cliches he really is a gift to us and is very precious.

Another Chapter

Time moves so quickly sometimes. It only seems yesterday that our daughter was born. She'll actually be 9 in two weeks time.

This morning heralded the momentous occasion of her very first time away from home: her class are off for a three day adventure trip and she's so excited she could almost burst. Saying goodbye was hard. She was fine but some of the other children and parents were very shaky. The shakiest was the little 'roughty toughty' boy of the class who clung onto his teddy and onto his Mum and who was desperate not to leave.The other quaking wreck was a very tough looking Dad who was in tears as his daughter got on the coach. We've watched all these children grow together since some of them were at nursery together so there was a real feeling of solidarity in the face of loss --and it was a kind of loss: the start of cutting the ties, the beginning of a loss of innocence, dependence. All good stuff but difficult --- as change often is.

This trip marks the next stage in our daughter's life: first time away from home; new school in September (we have a three tier system here). Gradually you can feel her slipping away and you know you have to let her go and encourage her to fly. I hope when the reality dawns that we aren't there tonight to tuck her in and kiss her goodnight that she copes with any yearning ache for her Mum and Dad.

All this reminds me of my first time away. I was not much older than she is now and our school invited children to go on an 'educational cruise' to Norway and Sweden for 10 days. No opportunity for Mum and Dad to come and retrieve you if it all went badly wrong and you couldn't cope. No mobiles in 1967 ---- just an old troop ship that had been converted into a sort of floating school, manned by cooks from Ceylon who spoke no English and made lemonade from yellow powder and jugs of water. Always there was a strange smell of oranges and boiling potatoes from the kitchen. In the 'ballroom' there was a beaten up old upright piano with some child hammering away at 'Chopsticks' or a boy with a withered arm whose party piece was 'Roses of Picardie' sung in a piercing nasal tone. Even now I can't hear that song without a longing for home.

The cruise was fine. I can still remember the boy who used to howl every night for his Mum, his 'sissa' and banana sandwiches; the two girls from another school who always came to the disco ( Monkees, Beatles, Procul Harem, Spencer Davis, Lulu) in identical outfits --- different every occasion; the Force 8 gale on the last day and on the way home. It was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time and the smell of oranges and potatoes mixed with the whiff of 100 children vomiting into the salty air. ('Have this glass of water and a Carr's biscuit,dear. You'll feel much better')

But I also remember the warm

welcome the people of Bergen and

Oslo gave us --these little 10 year olds invading their shops. Even then, 20 years after, they still mentioned the war and seemed to have soft spot for the English. I remember the amazing sculpture park in Oslo and the church in Bergen.

I hope my little girl copes with this important stage in her life and, 40 years on,remembers what fun she had.