It's no good .....I can't ignore this wretched condition of CFS. I had quite a good w/e ...tired (as usual) but still took my daughter to a 'Bring 'n' Buy' to raise monies for the Tsunami Appeal and later, at night, we took my imaginary dog for a walk (more about that another time). Today I'm shattered. I spent much of yesterday getting stuff ready for the week --- school clothes, tidying, food etc and now I have a little time for me I haven't got any go ---my fault and when will I ever learn ? It's such a familair story for me and yet I keep on doing it. Is it displacement so I don't have to face my own lack of direction ? Sometimes I feel like I'm just being tossed about in a sea of respnsibility and oughts that belong to other people and their needs and somehow I can't grab a piece of flotsam or jetsum on whcih to cling for survival: not a very sensitive analogy/metaphor at this point in the World but it does seem the most apt
The point is that I love my kids so much that I spend a good deal of time making sure they're OK and days like Saturday at the fayre with daughter are so lovely because she really is a delightful soul and so full of beans and enthusiasm. It makes the amount of energy I have to expend worth it at the time but irritatingly impinges on my free time. Even so, the children are my most important act of creativity ----- all the years at Art School pale in comparison.
Talking of which....I havent been sleeping well this weekend. Had days when everything and anything reminds me of my parents who are both dead now --- my Mum only died a few months back . Anyroadup....I ended up watching late night TV and saw a really interesting prog. about the Art Schools of the '60s and how influential they were on so many aspects of popular culture. Took me back to my childhood in the 60s which, in one way I'm so grateful for (a) because I had great parents and a lovely childhood and (b) because the 60s were a great time to be a kid with so much optimisim and so many resources about. I loved the whole look of everything then(still do) and loved flower power, the abundant resources, the air of revolution, the air of people striving to make a difference and make things better and the idea that anything was possible ---a childlike idea at a time when I was a child. The downside is that come the 70s and the time when I left school, so much of that optimism had waned and the opportunties were much more limited. I had so many friends who went to Uni on the promise of a great job at the end of it and came out to nothing for a long time. It has left a sense of mistrust and cyncism in me that has never really gone away. Maybe I'm just a miserable bastard or maybe I took the 60s ideals to heart too willingly (heh I was only 9 or 10 at the time) but the world just hasn't matched up to what was promised...............
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