After my last post I received an interesting post from the splendid Ana who paints the most beautiful images and also has an interest in dreams and myth.
I was thinking about the recurrent dreams of my life and, in particular the one I had as a child which, amongst other things, involved large machines. Ever since I have had a kind of fear, dread, almost phobia about large machinery. I can deal with it but I have to really steal myself to be near ships, diggers, planes, the sorts of machinery they exhibit in museums etc etc. They really unsettle me and fill me with a kind of foreboding.
A few weeks ago I was involved in quite a long discussion at Seats for Landing about the pros and cons of various, apparently miraculous cures for ME/CFS which involve retraining the way one views the possibility for recovery, action etc. This led to a discussion in my head about the extent to which fear and foreboding prevents PWME from moving on.
For my part I honesty believe that the mind and body are inextricably linked and that, whilst the symptoms of ME/CFS are biologically/physiologically/neuroligically based, there is a point at which the mind can enable one to move forward a little further. This is not always easy or possible, but there are times when I have believed, in all sincerity, that I feel too ill and too weak to do something and then, for one reason or another, have had to try and found it was possible after all.
I cannot believe that my mind alone will enable me to overcome my physical symptoms to the extent where I could once again work a 50 hour week, travelling the length and breadth of East Anglia, runnning workshops, leading training sessions, making new artwork but I am coming to a point where I think I have to challenge my own preconceptions about what is possible for me and look towards activities and challenges more positively.
I have no real conclusions to offer but just wanted to share my thoughts. When I look at other people with M.E. (or other disabled friends) who have achieved their dreams despite their condition, I look forward with hope. One such friend is the Dutch artist Corina Duyn. Another is Amanda and then there's Michael and Azirca, Signs and NMJ . They all hold fast to their creativity and hang on in.
9 comments:
Love the chicken pics they are soooo sweet!
I work with people who have ME occasionally, the work not the people!!
And one of the things that therpay does for sufferers is work with their battered self esteem.
It's all about valuing ourselves and being truely kind to ourselves.
And although it does zip for the energy levels it makes it easier to not feel so godddamn useless psychologically.
I also have good memories of Sgt P, made me the most popular girl in school for a while as I was the first person to have a copy.
I'll be back.px
Well, Hello Pixie and welcome -- so soon too.
Yes, the chickies are sweet - bar the cockerel (see earlier post).
You were one cool chick yourself with your Sgt Pepper sleeve under your arm, weren't you ? Do you remember how it was de rigeur to walk home from school with the latest 'in thing' album sleeve under your arm so you could declare to the world how hip you were ? I imagine it wouldn't be quite the same with a CD under your arm --- it'd hardly show up and anyway one arm movement and it'd fall on the floor and be trampled.
I expect therapy can be very useful for PWME --- it depends how long you've had it and how much it has been a parasite to your self esteem. I took a symbolical nit comb to mine with doses of LiClear and now I KNOW I'm lovely [ ;-) ] well some of the time.
Look forward to seeing you again
Thank you for the lovely comment you left on my blog, and I'm glad you found your way to the wonderful Endicott Studio! I'm sorry to hear of your health challenges, which can't be dismissed as they affect your daily life to such an extent. But yes, I agree the mind/body/spirit connection is an intricate one and a place where incredible healing can happen. I've met people who recovered very well from acute ME, to the extent that they got their lives back. I wish you the same and more.
This is such a difficult and challenging one, the question of how far to push the boundaries. My feeling is that you are right to challenge preconceptions and take a risk - to be, if you like, a questing knight or, to use a word that's become a bit worn with use, a warrior rather than a helpless prisoner (I mean all of us, obviously, not just you). Like any warrior, along with any victories won, you will face danger (dashed hopes, the broken spirit) but just the fact of feeling oneself to be a warrior rather than prisoner gives a measure of strength. And bravery has its own magic, I think. So even if you fail, you win (am I making sense?).
I honestly believe that had I not, at a certain point, done as you have decided to do: to challenge existing ideas about what was possible, I might well have ended up in a wheelchair. I am vehemently not saying that people who are wheelchair-bound are to blame, this is just an awareness I had about my own process at a certain time.
Well, I look forward to hearing about some of your plans. But whatever comes about, always remember the mantra: no blame, no blame.
Dear SWF, Thanks for dropping by so soon. Thanks too for your good wishes for my health. It's an ongoing struggle but an interesting journey.
Dear Signs --- well, as usual your gift with words surpasses anything I can muster up. I love the analogy of being a warrior instead of a prisoner. I shall carry that image in my head as I move forward.
I don't know that I have any specific plans as yet other than to try to move forward (or at the very least maintain the status quo). When I have made plans in the last 7 years they always seem to fall foul of my health or some other crisis. All the same
'I will not cease from mental fight
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand....'
(to quote a well known anthem)
until I have built a well furrowed path of endeavour!
So there --- and if I can't do that then I'll make a pot of jam !
"I will not cease from mental strife,
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
Till we have built Jerusalem
Or made a pot of strawberry jam."
Dear Signs.........Oh, we're singing from the same hymn sheet obviously. Right On Sister !!
I have ME and I was recently referred to a Psychotherapist. I went to an ME management course where the general theory is that you cut down activities until you get to a level where your symptoms aren't exacerbated and then slowly build up again. Alas, I also have anxiety and the less I do, the more scared I am about doing it again in case I start the dreaded ball rolling again. Any long-term illness that is as ambiguous as ME is bound to make people question themselves. And this uncertainty never leaves. Needless to say the Pyschotherapist is about as useful as a kick in the backside but it's good to at least have someone to moan at.
Thanks for fluttering by FT. Good to see you here.
Yes, we all know about the old pacing don't we ? It is good advice and I do try to follow it but it is very very difficult ---especially when you have other committments like kids or studies etc. (feeling knackered and sick today so obviously not been very 'good' lately).
I guess it's all about learning to know your boundaries/limits and then working with them or taking a gamble and living with the consequences if it doesn't work out. Otherwise you'd do nothing at all and spend all day in bed or try to do all you used to and end up really ill where you have no choice *but* to be in bed --- and we've all been there/done that and don't want to return. I'll pop over to your place again soon.
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