Where do these people come from?

Dear Reader,

You may notice that this post has no line breaks. This is not because I am a numpty but because, despite numerous attempts, Blogger is a numpty and will not put them in.....bl**dy Blogger !!!!!

As you'll see from below, We are in no mood for piddling about with Blogger today so We have posted the damned thing anyway.

My apologies if you feel that you need new eyes having scrabbled to the end of this post.

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A quick post and a fierce change of recent tone:

Someone came round today (mother of daughter's friend) and in conversation asked what I did i.e. job. I said that I no longer worked as I wasn't very well most of the time...my stock reply which tells the truth but doesn't go into the details.

Many people are either satisfied with this answer (they don't really care about my employment situation and they were just making conversation) or are too embarrassed to ask for further details in case I say I have something they can't cope with ---- like leprosy or syphilis etc. etc.

Anyroadup this lady really did want to know and asked for specific details so I told her:

'M.E.'

'That like M.S. then ?

'Well no not really.... a bit..'

'What is it then ?'

'Well, I get really tired very easily and have all sorts of aches and pains and catch infections very easily and have troubles with balance and memory and allergies and things ?'

'Like that neurone thing ?'

'Motor Neurone disease ?

'Yeah'

'No not like that either'

At this point she turned to my partner in such a way that her body language said she had shut me out completely. In the past she has always treated me as an equal (though given this incident I'm not sure that is a compliment !)

'Ah....you the carer then ?'

Partner: 'no...not exactly........'Cusp' looks after this place and the children and I go to work....'

I had been ignored and brushed aside as a 'cared for'. I could have flattened her.

As my anger was beginning to subside a friend of my son's came through the garden gate. As you may remember he has learning disabilities and this friend (K) goes to the same school.

'She his little friend then ?

'Yes'

'Goes to the same school does she'

'Yes'

'Ah....got a touch of Downs has she... ?' (this within easy hearing reach of K.)

'No she doesn't have Downs Syndrome'

'What's wrong with her then ?'

'Well I think she was born with brain damage'

'Ah....poor little thing....all the same though aren't they ...not well (in the sense of ill health)

...if I had one I've always said I'd still look after it just the same...can't help it can they..'

'Go on W. (her other child) go and say hello to her...you can watch her if you like.....'

(As if K is some kind of exhibit..........)

At this point I had to go indoors in case I picked up her lighter and set light to her as a metaphor for the fire raging within !!

Dear reader, my indignation is not because I now have a chronic illness which some would consider makes me disabled, nor is it because I have a son with various disabilities. I spent many years working with disabled people long before my son was born and long before I became ill enough to give up work. My indignation is at the ignorance and insensitivity of this woman.

Where do these people come from ?

Where have they been in the last 25 years? On Mars ?

Have they not noticed attitudes changing ?

Have they not seen or understood that we are all people who deserve respect and consideration regardless of disability, colour, age, religion etc. etc.

I am now in a very difficult situation since my daughter is very fond of her friend and she is, in fact, a very sweet and well-behaved child (so to give her her due, this wretched woman must do something right........oh Christ why do I always have to be so FAIR !!!!!).

On the other hand I'm not at all sure that I want my daughter around people with these sorts of attitudes.

Here is the thorny predicament of the parent not being able to choose the child's friends and letting them go out into the world and discover the dangers and dodgy attitudes for themselves.

I want to protect her...........................

Chickens and Awards

We have had some stunning weather of late with the apple tree heavy with fruit and the hens producing more offspring.

Here are the latest two, Blackbum and Bumble with their Mum Snowbell

They've been having very educational morning activities; learning how to forage for seeds and scraps, learning how to move across treacherous lumpy ground, learning how to keep up with Mum and each other and not to lose one another in this great big place the big NoFeathers call a run

But occasionally it all goes wrong and they are left high and dry

There are other chicks too. This little chap belongs to Speckle

...and his sibling

'You looking at me...are ya ?'

In the end of course this flourishing of chicks is all down to these chaps

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......and on a completely different tack I am amazed and delighted to tell you that the lovely Prada Pixie has selected me for an award. It really does mean a lot because some of you
might remember that this is in fact a revived blog, in as much as after a 6 month run in 2005 I gave up and decided it was a waste of time. Now second time round it is much more fun thanks to the blogging chums I have encountered.

Dear old Pixie hath bestowed the

to me because she says I '...bring (sic) endless bad taste music to my (sic) site and deals with ME with amazing fortitude......' Well I'm not sure about the latter but I do try my best with the former :-)) .

The Awards come via the Writers Review and according to the rules I must now nominate five other people for an award so here goes:

I nominate Feltbug for the Inspirational Bloggers Award for all the work she puts in to scouring the Internet and finding the most artwork which inspires and informs

I nominate Azirca at Speak without my Voice for the Creative Bloggers Award for her persistence in maintaining her creative spirit against the odds

I nominate Maggie at Liverpool Leftovers for the Courageous Bloggers Award for the way she has managed to keep blogging despite her own illness and caring for others at home and in the M.E. community (most people, I think, do not realise that she also does an awful lot for PWME behind the scenes)

I nominate Ana at Singing Hawk for the Creative Bloggers Award because of her inspirational and beautiful images but also because she questions the warring ways of the world continually but is also never afraid to have a fun with her blog and blogging chums. The sublime and the ridiculous co-exist in Ana World

I nominate Abide and Watermark (same blogger) for the Inspirational Bloggers Award for her beautifully crafted blog full of inspiration, creativity and courage in the face of M.E.

See I can be quite sensible when I want to be !! x

They're back !!!!

Now some of you have only yourselves to blame because you've been encouraging me....

Yes these are the same Schwester and obviously the old alternative HRT of yodel berries and Alpendufdler has strange side effects.

I do wonder if, when they remove the costumes (if they can!) they are the same shape underneath ? Too much kartoffeln und kuchen mit
schalg ?? Yum

Apologies

O.K. so now you all think I'm nuts because I keep posting up these YouTube videos of the most bizarre acts I can find from the 1960s. I can't help it. I love that sort of thing and always have....maybe I shouldn't impose my strange tastes on other people ?

Changing the subject I am perplexed by a dilemna.

How does someone with a chronic health condition attempt to move on when progress is impeded by bureaucracy and the need for profit over welfare ? (There, told you it was a change of subject)

The matter in hand: last week I saw a job advertisement for a vacancy as a display assistant in a local High School. Having nearly fallen off my bed to think the County now pays people solely to put up displays, I thought....

'I could do that'
'It's only 6 hours a week'
'I might be able to manage that'
'I should at least try'
'I might begin to be perceived as a real person out on the world'
'There could be face to face contact with adults other than my partner and a few Mums at the school gates.'

I sent off for the application form and job description. Upon receiving it I nearly faltered at the first hurdle: one of the listed requirements for the job was

'Must be able to maintain and use staple gun'. (I kid you not)

After 5 years at Art School I wasn't sure about this but I screwed up my courage and thought 'No, I may be just a chronically fatigued numpty to some people but I know inside me there's a real professional staple gunner just dying to get out.'

So dear reader, I applied myself to the application in hand. This was a daunting task for a job of only 6 hours a week for, being a County Council post, I was required to set down my entire personal, education and employment history with two references and a police check if I was successful.

After over an hour of form filling I was 'done in' --as is the common parlance hereabouts.
I thought, do I really want all this hassle? But, I decided to climb that mountain and forge that stream.

Having completed said form I began to worry, as is my way, and I thought I'd better just double check this job will not affect my benefits.
No. It was OK.
Then I thought ' ..but what about the nice people at the Insurance and Pension companies who have agreed to waive my premiums because I am/have been/ can be so poorly and who regularly hassle me with long forms asking me, my GP and the hospital consultant the same questions about whether I'm better and whether I can/when I shall return to work ---and pay my own bloody premiums?'

There is the rub, dear reader. I thought I cannot ask the companies themselves about a maybe, possible toe-in-the water attempt at being a 'real person' again for 6 hours a week, for they will be suspicious. They have been known to employ covert beady-eyedness.
No, I shall ask my financial/insurance-y chum who knowsaboutthesethings.

He said he did know .....and any sign that I was perhaps and maybe able to do any voluntary work or limited paid work would be seen as the perfect excuse to make me pay my own bloody premiums (at this point nearly £100 per month) so I was best to screw up the job application and forget the whole thing unless I wanted to put our family budget in jeopardy.

So beware my PWME (or other chronic health conditiony) chums. In the eyes of insurance companies etc. you are apparently ill or well, black or white, working or not working and there are no areas of grey

I shall go back to being a numpty who feeds chickens, makes sock monkeys and seeks out obscure 1969s German girl groups who look like Dick Emery in drag. To be honest I wa snever sur ein the first place. Despite judicious pacing, Reiki, herbs, vitamins, prayers to all the Saints and a few daily blasphemies, my energy is still not 'tip top' or 'band box' and all activities must be approached with great care, cunning and forward planning, BUT I was prepared to try and give it a go.

N.B. For years I did pay own premiums because my ex-employer was too stingy to provide a pension. I also forked out for critical illness cover so it's not like I feel I'm sponging off said companies --- just getting what's due, ---- but I would like the opportunity to try to be in the world again without the risk of messing everything up --- health and budget

Horrible or what ?

Just to put things in perspective.......not everything from the 60s was so good.

I'm sure the one second from the left is Dick Emery.

Ohhhh you are awful !

Thoughts on Optimism: Childhood and The Sixties

Strange confluence of two ideas or thoughts today.......

As anyone who comes here more than once or twice will know I love all sorts of things from the 1960s.

Lately I keep reading about a relatively obscure girl group from that era called The Cake. I had heard of them before and ocassionally heard them on radio but never seen them. Now, thanks to the brilliant offerings on You Tube, there are two short videos to watch and what a revelation !: the most extreme, maybe druggy NY girl group you could wish for with weird staging, a singer who looks like Penelope Tree and stands catatonically still and two other girls who dance round her like a couple of eels on Vaseline

I cannot imagine anything so extreme yet so strangely 'entertainment' as this today. One of the clips is from an old 'Smothers Brothers' show --- real family viewing and yet here are these three cool chicks grooving away. That incongruous meeting epitomises everything I love about the Sixties.

Later in the day I was walking the dog through the corn fields nearby. The sun was beginning to hide for the night. Fat startled pigeons were flying out from the corn as we passed, greenfinches were chirruping, there was a quiet munching from the horses in the next field. A hum and tinkle of a party in the Big House rang across the meadow. I looked up into the sky and was suddenly in a more innocent time .... I felt a brief surge of that feeling you have as a child when you realise what an amazing and beautiful world you live in and feel full of a kind of wonder and feeling of optimism. It lasted seconds. In my childhood it could go on all day.

I know that I am seeing that era through rose coloured glasses and through the glasses of a happy childhood but where does that optimsim, that freedom go ? Where has it gone? Did life in the 1960s seem full of possibility to me because I was a child ( and do my own children feel it now ?) or because I grew up in a time when it felt like we were in a time of plenty.... full of ideas and ideals and possibility.

I know that, in reality, beyond my cosy, happy suburban childhood every kind of cruelty, evil, cynicism took place just as it does now. I know that there were wars, assassinations, homelessness, poverty and disease..... but somehow there seemed to be a kind of hope that it was possible for humnanity to improve itself and those situations.

That optimisim doesn't seem to be there now.

Is it me ? Is it because I am getting old or is the world actually a sadder, harsher, grimmer place?


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Reflective Cusp today.

Watch the video and laugh if you like (it is quite funny in its way) but enjoy the innocence and the freedom to look and move, think like those three cool chicks

It's the start of the summer holidays .......

Yesterday was the first proper day of the summer holidays and with two young children to keep amused for six weeks I was beginning to feel a little wobbly. This was not helped by a friend coming round with her two children who are good kids but lively.

One allowed the guinea pig to escape and we haven't seen her since.

In all honesty I think we all wanted a bit of peace and a chance to 'bed into' the new routine before we had visitors.

Anyway, today's a better day and things feel a bit more normal and relaxed. The sun is shining and I have two happy kids and a happy dog(the friend brought her dog too: it's on medication which makes it desperately hungry so she steals all the food out of our dog's bowl and drives him insane)

Yesterday I was feeling like this song. Today I'm more chilled............

My Top Ten things not to say to a PWME

Having read the new CDC’s CFS toolkit she developed a new kind of fundamental resistance against analytic psychotherapy. Any ideas, Dr. Simon?

Cartoon by Michael Sobetzko. See http://sacfs.asn.au/download/calendar_2007_english.pdf

At the Ouch website there is currently a new TopTen related to M.E.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/ouch/play/topten/

Having read it I was trying to think up ten things of my own not to say to a PWME(with response --- spoken or otherwise --- in blue )

1. I bet you enjoy having more time at home: all that time to catch up on things
Yes I love being stuck in the same place, day in day out when I used to have a life and some freedom. I've caught up with all I want to thank you

2.You need to build up your stamina.
You need to s*d off

3.Try walking a little further each day
I've tried that. There's actually a medical term for it called GET. It nearly killed me. Why don't YOU 'GET' off your behind and do the same if it's so good for you

4.What did you used to do ?
I used to do a job that was useful, brought in money, gave me a sense of fulfilment and usefulness. Thanks for reminding me: just the boost I needed

5.What did you used to be ?
Well the last time I looked I used to be an adult human being like you but maybe I'm not human anymore since you're speaking to me like a 5 year old alien

6.It's your own fault. If you hadn't.......
Well, that's as maybe (though doubtful) but maybe it's your own fault that you're drunk/ignorant/cruel/a busybody

7.If I were you........
Similar response to No.2

8.You're depressed........
You're 'sad' within the confines of contemporary lingo

9.You need to find an interest........
I've got one and it's not you, so please go away

10.Have you tried ..........?
If its been recommended by a Doctor, Health magazine, self-help book, alternative practitioner, well-meaning stranger and has cost me money, further decline of health, pain, frustration I probably have tried it. Kind though it is of you to suggest 'x' I have to decline your suggestion. Thank you and goodnight.

I have to point out that I have never uttered any of these responses, being a well brung child of the 50s but I have certainly thought them when feeling bitter and twisted

Oh B****er, I've messed up the tagging lark

I've messed up: tagged Sally when she'd already been tagged by Goldfish. Silly me.

I tag Kahless instead.

OMG I've been tagged: 8 random facts about Cusp

OMG I've been tagged. First time. A Tag Virgin. Don't quite understand it but I'll give it a go.

First the rules:
1. Let others know who tagged you.
2. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
3. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
4. Players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.


I have been tagged by Goldfish

8 Random facts about Cusp:

1. When I was little I nearly drowned in the sea. I came out saying I had seen all the fishes down there and they were all wearing little coats. Strange child. Everyone knows the only coat a fish can wear is a coating of batter
2. I hate strawberries and anything with a strawberry flavour
3. When I was about 10 I saw Valerie Singleton in the street and asked her for her autograph. She was less than gracious (to put it mildly) and I have never forgotten it.
Bitter ? Moi ?
4. I wish Moira Stewart still read the news on TV because I think she has grace and elegance
5. I just don't get Ricky Gervais' popularity
6. I can still cry with laughter at Road Runner cartoons
7. I love too be near water ---- that's why I'm typing this in the bath (ha ha)
8. Even though I went to art school for 5 years I think my best act of creation was my part in the creation of our children (all together now......ahhhhh !)


I now tag
Amanda,
Behind the Surface,
Signs,
Sally,
Seahorse,
Singing Hawk,
Maggie,
Anne-Laure

Birthday Trip

Well as Ana has kind of let the cat out of the bag (see comments on last post) I shall own up to having celebrated my birth last week.

I'm funny about birthdays: not the ageing process. I'm just happy if I can get through a day feeling unscathed and enjoy what's offered by the Great Beyond., but I do feel funny about telling people about my birthday in case they feel obliged to say nice things or give me things when they don't really want to.

Anyroadup, this birthday was jolly good and lasted two days because my lovely partner had arranged a secret trip for me. I was driven to Ipswich with my two children (who had permission to stay off school for the afternoon) and at the new Marina we were met by my bro-in-law and his wife (she of the green hair ! --- though it now has purple, pink and turquoise mixed in too) and two old friends.

We boarded a little boat and had a cruise down the Orwell River past all the little villages and under the Orwell Bridge (a real Suffolk landmark) and down into the Felixstowe and Harwich Docks. It was really lovely --- lovely surprise, lovely weather, lovely company and, for a few short hours, I could pretend that I could do this sort of thing anytime. I love to be near the water ---rivers, sea, lakes --- and it's something I miss most of all since I was ill so this was a real treat

These two old hulks have been resting near the bridge for 7 years. I teased my friend who was with us: we're exactly the same age (birthdays two days apart) and he's not always in the best of health. I said these boats were the two of us waiting for rescue.




Passing under the Orwell Bridge

......................and seeing it from a distance



For some reason I love lightships and lighthouses but this one is really special.

It served time as one of the Radio Carolines moored off the Essex Coast.

Happy memories of listening to the Pirate Radio stations when I was a child.

Sometimes don't you just wish you could sail away ?

I'd choose this to sail away on

Roxy Music - All I Want Is You - TOTP

Woke up this morning to hear this playing on the radio. I'd forgotten how brilliant early Roxy is. They were the coolest thing when I was in the 6th Form.

Enjoy !

Sports B****y Day

For the whole of my time at school, sport and P.E. were the bane of my life ---- because I was absolutely dreadful at it. I was unco-ordinated, self-conscious, uninterested and, much 0f the time, terrified: terrified of the humiliation, shame, teasing.

One of the most terrifying days in the school sports calendar was Sports Day. Here was the chance for all my inadequacies to be highlighted in front of all my peers, teachers and colleagues' parents. Here was the opportunity to turn up the heat of competition and thrusting need to be first when I hated all competition (even in the areas of schooling where I was good).

35 years later and nothing has changed. I still hate sport, hate competition and dread the time when I might be asked to perform any sort of physical task infront of others; though the M.E. is now the perfect excuse to decline any such invitation ---hurrah ! I've found a positive attribute of having M.E.. I claim my £5 (ha, bloody ha)

35 years later my daughter is also 'rubbish' (as is the current vernacular) at sports and apporoaches it with the same dread and fear. Unfortunately, since a change of Headteacher at her school, sport has become very important since 'Mrs K.' loves all sport and especially hockey. She has adopted the modern approach of making everyone feel included, shuns and abhors teasing and comparisons of physical ability, but lets slip her true colours when it comes to Sports Day which must take place at all costs.

This cheery annual event was to have taken place last Friday. There have been many hours of placating, soothing and empathy in this house for nearly 3 weeks as we have tried to comfort our daughter. Secretly she must have been doing rain dances and chanting special rain magic in her bedroom because by the fateful day it had rained so much that the school playing field was water logged and ducks were actually swimming on its surface.

We thought we were saved. No such luck. A dry weekend has increased the possibility that the 'alternative day' may make Sports Day (Plan B) a viable option: ' Unless there is Heavy Rain this afternoon Sports Day will take place staring at 1 p.m. ' declares a notice outside the gates this morning ..........and so my poor daughter has to dawdle into school, the very picture of reluctance and fear, trailing her yellow outfit behind her.

I appreciate that it must be lovely to be good at sport. In my next life I'd appreciate it if The Divine One could spill even a little soupcon of physical co-ordination and ability in my mixing bowl, but why oh why do sporty people have to be so bloody passionate and why do those of us who are no good at it have to feel so ashamed and made to parade our lack of ability to a crowd. After all if I was dysliexic would it not be seen as unkind to force me to take part in a public spelling bee ? If I was completely tone deaf, would it not be seen as cruel to make me take part in the school's performance of Carmen ? If I could not draw a straight line, would you make me take part in a public display of 'Works by Cusp' ? ---- I think not. So why make me and my daughter and all the other unfortunate little souls who cannot run fast, cannot kick a ball, cannot swim etc etc display their lack of ability in front of everyone who knows them once every year, come hell or high water ?!

Answers on a postcard to Cusp please. Your prize of a signed football by all the team members of Ipswich Football Club, plus life membership to the gym of your choice will be posted to the lucky winner asap. :-)

Another Monkey

I made this monkey for one of my oldest, dearest friends. She's been a cook for neary 30 years. The monkey is called Suzette and she comes from Canada --funnily enough that's where my friend comes from too -- hence the maple leaf on Suzette's hat and pinny.

Suzette likes to make biscuits

Suzette likes to bake cakes

..and after all that work she likes to rest in trees........

Suzette was sent to my friend with her own little introductory booklet, so my pal has a bit of background on her new foster monkey

Coming to terms with Disability

Now this is a bit naughty because, in a way, I'm cutting and pasting from someone else's blog (naughty, naughty....slapped wrist !...no, not slapped wrist, ....sorry everyone, very un-PC...too physical...I meant 'serious verbal admonishment).

Anyway up...

Seahorse over at The Beauty Offensive has been discussing her journey in coming to accept her disability, her new status as 'a disabled person' and the acceptance (or otherwise) of this status by those around her.

Reading her post I was moved to post my own comment and this, dear reader, is the power of blogging, because it was only in the writing of the comment that my own rather muddled and convoluted thoughts on the subject presented themselves to me on the screen.

I must admit I was rather pleased to have my ideas and thoughts presented so clearly to me and, having read Seahorse's response I felt I wanted to re-present them on my own blog.
So here they are, with apologies to Seahorse ( who is a very perceptive and lyrical personage).

You open up a really important issue.

Having worked with people with a disability for years, then having a son with a disability and now having become unwell and starting to realise that I am disabled, my life has been(thus far) an unfurling of understanding.

I’ve known about the social model (of disability) for years but it’s a different bucket of eels when you begin to think it might apply to you. I think we all have a degree of misunderstanding about others’ conditions and issues. What counts is acknowledging that and being prepared to listen to others and hear our own prejudices too.

My own difficulties are hidden. No one would know the difficulties I have from day to day, moment to moment and how hard I try and have tried to ‘pass’ as ‘OK’. (Now I have reached a stage where I don’t know why I tried to hide it ). I even did that when I worked for a charity that was all about promoting the rights of disabled people. Many other employees used wheelchairs or were deaf or visually impaired. Somehow, I felt that because I didn’t need those things I wasn’t really ill, wasn’t really disabled --- didn’t have enough points to join the Club (as one quite well known disabled artist said to me only partially in jest ‘I can call myself a crip because I am one. You can’t call me that because you’re not’!). It’s all about perception --- by yourself about how and who you are and by others about what they regard as
‘disabled’.

One more little story told to me by a friend who has a son who is autistic:

She went to a party with her three children, one of whom is autistic. He has only just reached the stage where he can tolerate such social occasions and where his mother feels secure enough to take him.

Shortly after they arrived she noticed a young woman staring and staring at her autistic son. (He has quite unusual mannerisms which can bring unwarranted attention.) My friend tried to ignore the stares and brush it off as the woman’s ignorance or her own paranoia. The young woman still stared and stared.

Finally my friend could bare it no longer and addressed the young woman directly:

‘Will you please stop staring at my son. He has a disability. He is autistic.’

Over her shoulder an older woman’s (the girl’s mother’s) voice said,

‘So is she’

Yesterday, another friend was asking me about this whole subject and where I thought I was with it all now --- after 7 years at home. If it wasn't for Seahorse I would never have been able to explain myself so succinctly, so thank you Seahorse for bringing the whole business to mind.

The Who - My Generation (Marquee Club 1967)

Been another busy few days with me trying to keep up: finishing another project and helping at a Fete.

Last night I stayed up too late and watched The Who at Glastonbury. I'm always hesitant to watch older bands like this because I fear now that they are increasing in years their powers will have diminished. I should not have been so sceptical in this case. The energy and passion is still there and they were fantastic.

Even though I was only 9 or 10 when this came out, I still identified with the lyrics and loved The Who.

You gotta hand it to them --- they've still got it and thank God two of them haven't 'died before they get old'. Fab ! Gear !

Painting

With judicious and careful pacing (see the need for same in the video link below !) I have managed to finally finish the painting commissioned by my brother-in-law. It's the first painting I've finished in a long time. I'm afraid it's not a very good photograph.

I was left to paint whatever I liked so I had to come up with something that summed them up as a couple and a family(this painting is to celebrate their 20th Wedding Anniversary). For all sorts of reasons I have based it on medieval and early Tudor paintings.

In case you're wondering, I do not have a screw loose and nor am I colour blind. My bro-in-law's wife's hair is green and has been for as long as I can remember and the bird on his shoulder is his parrot --except it is based on an image of a parrot in a medieval Bestiary --- so it looks rather extraordinary.

Have a look at this.........

Greenwords has posted a link to an excellent video made by an Australian TV show about ME.

Take a look. If only UK television would make such an unbiased and thorough piece

Go here

Loneliness of the long distance 'only'

Yesterday I received a letter from the wife of my father's work partner . My Dad died nearly 8 years ago although it seems like last week. I haven't seen his partner since my mother's funeral 3 years ago and yet the letter brought a sudden rush of unexpected sadness.

In many ways this feeling is inexplicable. I wasn't especially close to L (Dad's colleague) though I do have happy memories of big Xmas parties at his house with a big family gathering and being made to feel as if I was a part of it. As an only child, this annual celebration was a lovely thing for me and I really enjoyed seeing my parents enjoying themselves at such an occasion. We were a small, tight family unit (as families of only children often are) and such a crowd of people having fun in a domestic setting was a rare experience for me. My mother was also an only child too, with few other relatives, so our extended family was small anyway.

I suppose the sadness is about being an only child really. After the initial feeling, my next thought was 'I can't tell Mum & Dad'. It felt weird that they weren't there to share the news. Apart from working together for maybe 10 years, my father and L had been in the same 'work circles' for years, so my parents would have been sad to know of his death and there could have been some kind of conversation about L. and the parties and the holidays and the work etc.

As it is there's no one to talk to about it. (Well no-one who really knows about those experiences. As an only child with no cousins (no relatives apart from my partner and children) there's no one to talk to about it. When you're an only you really are alone for life. You can marry, have children, get on with and love your in-laws ( and I have and I do), have close friends, but you cannot share the memories of childhood, the funny family rituals in the same way because once your parents have gone, there's no one else who has quite the same connection.

This isn't meant to be maudlin but it can be a lonely road at poignant times like this and is a reminder of how much you miss the closeness of your own parents.

I thank the Lord that we were blessed and have two children who can share and support each other.

AN ONLY CHILD'S TEA-PARTY

When I go to tea with the little Smiths, there are eight of them there, but there's only one of me,

Which makes it not so easy to have a fancy tea-party as if there were two or three.

I had a tea-party on my birthday, but Joe Smith says it can't have been a regular one,

Because as to a tea-party with only one teacup and no teapot, sugar-basin, cream-jug, or slop-basin, he never heard of such a thing under the sun.

But it was a very big teacup, and quite full of milk and water, and, you see,

There wasn't anybody there who could really drink milk and water except Towser and me.

The dolls can only pretend, and then it washes the paint off their lips,

And what Charles the canary drinks isn't worth speaking of, for he takes such very small sips.

Joe says a kitchen-chair isn't a table; but it has got four legs and a top, so it would be if the back wasn't there;

And that does for Charles to perch on, and I have to put the Prince of Wales to lean against it, because his legs have no joints to sit on a chair.
That's the small doll. I call him the Prince of Wales because he's the eldest son, you see;

For I've taken him for my brother, and he was Mother's doll before I was born, so of course he is older than me.

Towser is my real live brother, but I don't think he's as old as the Prince of Wales;

He's a perfect darling, though he whisks everything over he comes near, and I tell him I don't know what we should do if we all had tails.

His hair curls like mine in front, and grows short like a lion behind, but no one need be frightened, for he's as good as good;

And as to roaring like a real menagerie lion, or eating people up, I don't believe he would if he could.

He has his tea out of the saucer after I've had mine out of the cup;

You see I am sure to leave some for him, but if I let him begin first he would drink it all up.

The big doll Godmamma gave me this birthday, and the chair she gave me the year before.

(I haven't many toys, but I take great care of them, and every birthday I shall have more and more.)

You've no idea what a beautiful doll she is, and when I pinch her in the middle, she can squeak;

It quite frightened Towser, for he didn't know that any of us but he and I and Charles were able to speak.

I've taken her for my only sister, for of course I may take anybody I choose;

I've called her Cinderella, because I'm so fond of the story, and because she's got real shoes.

don't feel so only now there are so many of us; for, counting Cinderella there are five,—She, and I, and Towser, and Charles, and the Prince of Wales—and three of us are really alive;

And four of us can speak, and I'm sure the Prince of Wales is wonderful for his size;

For his things (at least he's only got one thing) take off and on, and, though he's nothing but wood, he's got real glass eyes.

And perhaps in three birthdays more there may be as many of us as the Smiths, for five and three make eight;

I shall be seven years old then (as old as Joe), but I don't like to think too much of it, it's so long to wait.

And after all I don't know that I want any more of us: I think I'd rather my sister had a chairLike mine; and the next year I should like a collar for Towser if it wouldn't rub off his hair.

And it would be very nice if the Prince of Wales could be dressed like a Field-marshal, for he's got nothing on his legs;

And Cinderella's beautifully dressed, and Towser looks quite as if he'd got a fur coat on when he begs.

Joe says it's perfectly absurd, and that I can't take a Pomeranian in earnest for my brother;

But I don't think he really and truly knows how much Towser and I love each other.

I didn't like his saying, "Well, there's one thing about your lot,—you can always have your own way."

And then he says, "You can't possibly have fun with four people when you have to pretend what they say.

"But, whatever he says, I don't believe I shall ever enjoy a tea-party more than the one that we had on that day.

Fear, foreboding, loathing and courage

After my last post I received an interesting post from the splendid Ana who paints the most beautiful images and also has an interest in dreams and myth.

I was thinking about the recurrent dreams of my life and, in particular the one I had as a child which, amongst other things, involved large machines. Ever since I have had a kind of fear, dread, almost phobia about large machinery. I can deal with it but I have to really steal myself to be near ships, diggers, planes, the sorts of machinery they exhibit in museums etc etc. They really unsettle me and fill me with a kind of foreboding.

A few weeks ago I was involved in quite a long discussion at Seats for Landing about the pros and cons of various, apparently miraculous cures for ME/CFS which involve retraining the way one views the possibility for recovery, action etc. This led to a discussion in my head about the extent to which fear and foreboding prevents PWME from moving on.

For my part I honesty believe that the mind and body are inextricably linked and that, whilst the symptoms of ME/CFS are biologically/physiologically/neuroligically based, there is a point at which the mind can enable one to move forward a little further. This is not always easy or possible, but there are times when I have believed, in all sincerity, that I feel too ill and too weak to do something and then, for one reason or another, have had to try and found it was possible after all.

I cannot believe that my mind alone will enable me to overcome my physical symptoms to the extent where I could once again work a 50 hour week, travelling the length and breadth of East Anglia, runnning workshops, leading training sessions, making new artwork but I am coming to a point where I think I have to challenge my own preconceptions about what is possible for me and look towards activities and challenges more positively.

I have no real conclusions to offer but just wanted to share my thoughts. When I look at other people with M.E. (or other disabled friends) who have achieved their dreams despite their condition, I look forward with hope. One such friend is the Dutch artist Corina Duyn. Another is Amanda and then there's Michael and Azirca, Signs and NMJ . They all hold fast to their creativity and hang on in.